I get so many silly emails. I
don't want you to write and be the next dumb email I get, so here are some
examples of questions I'd prefer you didn't send to me.
Don't write and ask me if I have any spells. There are
free spells and
free love spells
on this web site - hundreds of them. I don't perform spells in exchange for money, so please don't write and tell me that you really need someone to cast a
spell for you but you don't have any money for it.
Don't stop reading yet...
Spells are not Miracles!
Spells will not dramatically
change the way you look.
It's not
like on
The Craft, where the girls used a
spell to change their eye color
(lol) and hair color and then they ruled the school. Despite that link I
just gave you, you can't look much different than the way you look now,
unless you do regular things like dye your hair, get contacts, learn to
use make-up to your advantage, get plastic surgery, whatever. A spell won't do it for you.
A
beauty spell can make you feel better about
yourself and boost your confidence, and when you feel better about yourself,
other people will be more attracted to you. If you take a closer look at
the people you admire the most, you will usually find that they have a
special inner beauty and confidence that far exceeds any outer beauty they may possess.
Work on developing your inner beauty and you will never again feel the
need for
love spells and
beauty spells. I know how trite
that sounds, but there are plenty of people in the world who aren't
traditionally "beautiful" but who are still considered extraordinary and
special.
Spells don't do amazing
things like make you fly, turn back time, get you into the NFL, or give
you a whole bunch of wishes like a genie.
For those of you who think,
"You must be kidding! People ask you stuff like this?" I can tell you
that, yes, they do. (Keep reading for funny examples.) And one of the
most common requests I get is "Please teach me all about witchcraft. I
want to learn. PLEASE!!!" For those people, I have posted this article:
How to Become a Witch. You may also join the
message board if you are over 16. There's a massive amount of information
that's been posted there in the past 20 years, and you're welcome to read through that.
Also consider asking your mom to drop you
off at the bookstore where you can sit and read witchcraft books all day for free.
That's one of my favorite things to do (minus the Mom dropping me off
part.) And also check out the
Articles page
for interesting articles on witchcraft, psychic
powers, tarot, Reiki, and more.
A spell will not keep
you from getting pregnant.
Can you believe that someone wrote to me and asked for a
spell that would "reduce their chances of pregnancy". Really, I'm not
joking. There are people that are having sex (or wanting to) and instead
of using some form of birth control, they want to do a
spell to not get pregnant. Are the schools not
teaching kids about birth control? Listen to me...
you will get pregnant
if you have sex and do not use birth control.
It is so clear to me now that witchcraft is not for
everyone. Doing spells is not like an instant miracle. If you're asking for
an impossible fantasy to come true, it's not going to work. Please get your head on straight, and
stop living in a fairytale. This is real life.
My comments (the ones in parentheses) were
usually not the actual
replies I sent to the person, they are just comments I felt like writing
on this page. I was usually much nicer to them when I wrote them back to
explain that their request wasn't realistic.
Spelling and grammatical
errors were left as they were.
11/02/03 - Comment left on my jewelry poll:
"umm i am a witch so this poll would be good for others dont you beleive
in magick?"
No, I just
have this entire web site about witchcraft so I can piss off my mother.
11/03/03 - Email:
"Can you please send me a spell to bring
a picture to life please."
Like on Harry Potter? No, you can't bring pictures to life like they
do in the movies. What if someone brought a picture of Hitler to life?
Oops! Big mistake! Then again, we could bring Jesus to life with one of
his pictures, although we don't really have a "real" picture of him, but
maybe it would work anyway, who knows? Then the end times would REALLY be
here, and the preachers could quit warning us all about it!
11/04/03 - Email:
"IS THERE A SPELL TO TURN BACK TIME. I
NEED TO TURN THE CLOCK BACK TO APRIL 2003. PLEASE LET ME KNOW ASAP. THIS
IS NOT A JOKE. I CAN PAY WELL. KERRIE"
Sure, send me $10,000 and
I will send you a spell to turn back time. No refunds though. If the
spell doesn't work, that just means you didn't do it right, weren't
trying hard enough, or, as the Christians say when their prayers
are ignored, "You didn't have enough FAITH."
11/05/03 - Email:
"Please email me a page out of a spell
book telling me how to turn myself into a witch please."
Sure, I'll
hand type an entire page out of a book for you instead of just giving
you a link to a web site that tells you what you want.
11/09/03 - Email:
"Some of the links you have aren't
right....like the ones you have for pregnancy or to ease pain during
labor. Any Wiccan witch like me knows not to do any magick while pregnant
or even the chance of being pregnant. So I won't be visiting your website
anymore."
The reason this is dumb is because she's
referring to spells that involve no more than rubbing an apple on your
belly or holding crystals - quite obviously things that can't hurt
you in any way, even if you're pregnant, and even if you weren't a witch
at all, much less a "Wiccan witch". Do you think your kid will
have two heads if you rub an apple on your belly while your pregnant?
Just think about that.
11/05/03 - Email:
"Hi I want to ask how do I make
things float but not in water lol. in air. O and if you were wondering my
name is ARRESSA. I was the one who ask how to be a witch about 2 or 3 days
ago."
No, really? It's you again? With another intelligent
question? I would have
never guessed it. I do actually have a
levitation spell now. A 16-year-old boy sent
it to me. I think it's crap, but if it works for you, please let me know
so I can tell everyone it's true and I'll take your email off this page.
12/06/03 - Email:
"i'm really into witch craft and into
spells if you can just give me an easy simple WISH spell that i can have
12 wishes and it really works and if it's possible can i have it by
December 8, 2003 since it's a full moon that will be great thanks i hope
you get my message."
An "
easy, simple wish spell" that will grant
"12 wishes" that
"really work", and I need to
have it to you in
"2 days"? Hmmm.... then again, instead of looking
for an impossible spell for you, I could go do some actual work and get
paid for it! Such a tough decision...
guess I'll have to get back to you on that.
12/07/03 - From same person as above after I told her NO:
"Hey thanks for writing back. well do you have any spells that can grant
you 3 wishes you want and they will granted to you at the stroke of
midnight?? do you think if i made a wish that i had 12 wishes that
it will come true at the stroke of midnight cuz i really need magick cuz
my life is really mess up"
If I could wish for a wish
that would grant me 12 wishes at the stroke of midnight (is that Eastern
time or Pacific?), then I guess I'd be sitting beside my pool in Hawaii
at my huge mansion while my maid was inside cleaning and washing my
clothes. Then I'd hop into my Ferrari, no wait... my chauffeured
limousine, and be driven to the airport. Then, I'd catch a plane to
Paris where I'd shop till I dropped. That's what I'd be doing instead of
writing crazy stuff on
this web site.
The cardinal rule of
getting three wishes is that one of your wishes can't be for
MORE WISHES. Everyone knows that.
12/07/03 - Same person again:
"Well thanks for writing
back and listening to all my problems but i just have one more question
can i make my self look like Arissa from the real world las vegas??"
Sure... Maybe you could write to Arissa and ask her to
make a mold of her face, like on Mrs. Doubtfire, and send that to you and
you could wear it. I'm sure she'd be happy to do that for you.
12/08/03 - Same person again, if you couldn't tell by the
dumb questions:
So do you have a simple wish spell that can grant you
wishes it doesn't matter how many wishes. And you don't have to use alot
of ingredients, if you do can u give it to me by today that would be
great. P.S do you think the spell will work around midnight when you do
it
Okay, I give in...
Here's the spell.
"Abracabra,
Abrabacadoo,
Shaggy, Scrappy, and Scooby-dooby-doo,
At the stroke of midnight I ask this of you,
please make all my wishes come true."
Then state your
wishes and tell whoever you're asking that you need it by midnight so
hurry the hell up and quit helping folks who are dying and make you look
like Arissa NOW! Next, sit there and hold your breath - this is part of the
spell - until the wishes are granted. But if you accidentally breathe
before they are granted, they won't be granted at all.
Note: That is a
JOKE. Don't hold your breath or you could pass out.
12/13/03 - Email:
"can you help me with a spell to reduce
your chances of pregnancy or anything to help you from pregnancy. thanx"
I've written a special prayer to the Goddess just for this
purpose:
"Dear Goddess of Fertility, please help me abstain from sex, and
if by chance I DO HAVE SEX, please be sure to make me remember to USE A
CONDOM. Thank you Goddess."
12/13/03 -
"hello, my name is Michelle, i just wanted to
say that i really like your website, but i was wondering if you can do
something for just me, i was looking for a spell to make 3 wishes for
me, The 3 wishes were, to be skinny ( not enerecik ( well i dont really
know how to say it ) to be attractive, and not to have diabetes, but, all
your spells for stuff like that are way out of my reach, i cant do all
that stuff, i mean, this is my first time trying to do spells, and i feel
like IM joining the devils side, but i dont want to, i mean i really like
the idea of witchcraft, ok well anyway, im going way off topic, what im
trying to say is that, can you make or find WORD spells for those 3 things
for me please, i cant do the candles or all that, i just need a simple
word spell only, please help me, im begging you, please, your my only
hope."
If
I'm your only hope, I guess you're doomed. I think
the only way to help diabetes is to maintain a controlled diet and take
any required meds. There's no spell to make you skinny or pretty or
non-diabetic. And if this is your first time trying witchcraft, you may
want to stick with something simpler, like having twelve wishes granted at the
stroke of midnight within two days of doing the spell. ;)
12/25/03 - Guestbook entry:
"Can I ask I looked
at your exotic vacations and were you really a ghost once? I think that
was really cool. Well please write back Starwitch. Your very interesting.
......Julia"
She's referring to my Exotic
Vacations page (now deleted), which was a silly joke. I just photoshopped
myself into various locations.
12/26/03 - Same girl that signed the guestbook above
writes an email to me:
"....I saw your exotic vacations,,can i ask
were you really in your past life? Also were you really on Mars? Well I
hope to hear from you Starwitch!!!"
Hi Julia! Thanks for
asking. Yes, I was a ghost in my past life. The Gods didn't see fit to
give me an actual human body, so they just made me a ghost instead and I
lived my entire past life that way. I chose a house that I thought was
nice, and the lady that owned it took a picture of me. Last year, I bumped
into her at Walmart and she thought I looked familiar, even though she was
150 years old now and could hardly see anything. But she recognized me
from the picture she had taken a long time ago, and of course it was in
great condition and she scanned it for me and that's how I got it! As for
the trip to Mars, didn't you know anyone can take a trip to Mars if they
have enough money? But I gotta warn you, don't wear a tank top
like I did. It gets really COLD there!
12/31/03 - Comment in Guestbook:
"hey im sorda new
to this and im a beginner and stuff u know and i always wondered can
witches fly please email me or post back ty"
01/01/04 - Guestbook entry:
"is it possible to
make pencils float email me bak or post please"
01/02/04 - Email (same girl as above)
"have you ever meet
a witch"
Yes, one day I was walking through my home, as
usual. As I went into the bathroom, I suddenly saw a woman standing
before me. I just somehow knew that she was a WITCH! After further
contemplation I realized that the women standing before me was ME. I was
standing in front a mirror. The witch was I! So to answer your question,
YES I have met a witch because I AM A WITCH!
01/14/04 - Email
"hey my names
robbie im 13. im a beggener and have no experiance but look forward to it!
i have been studing it 4 2 months.please help me out i have been studing
powerful black magic and tried it a couple of times but it never works 4
me."
Same kid:
"i would like to
help be a witch craft teacher"
If you guys need a 13 year old
beginner witchcraft teacher with no experience, who does black magick
spells after only studying for two months, AND the spells don't work for
him, you just let me know and I'll give
you his address, lol. And by the way, this is exactly what I mean when I
tell you that you don't need a teacher. You have no idea whether the
person really knows more than you do or whether they're just pretending.
02/11/05 - Email regarding the to
13 year old age limit on the forum (or you need parental approval):
"I am currently in college and I don't need my
guardian permission do I"
I wrote back, "
I'm having a
very hard time believing that someone who is college would even ask
whether they need a guardian's permission to join a message board. Think
about that from an 18-year-old's point of view (instead of a 12-year-old's) lol. Starwitch"
She wrote back to me,
"im
sorry you have interpreted my message the wrong way. what was meant to be
written was: i dont need my guardian's permission, now do i,....being that
i am currently in colledge."
She's very obviously NOT
in "colledge," lol. And she is STILL
asking me for permission! College students do NOT ask for permission to
join the board because they KNOW they are over 13! This is so stupid. This
is why you need to be at least 13 to join, because kids younger than that
are still pretty ignorant for the most part. Here's the rest of the
conversation where she very predictably lies and says that it wasn't her
that was writing to me in the first place, but rather it was her younger
sister. lol.
I wrote to her:
"It still
means the same thing. You are saying "Do I need my guardian's permission,
even though I am in college?" Are you saying that you are 12 years old and
you are in college? Because all the message board says is that you have to
be 13 years old or older to enter. I really don't understand why you're
asking me this. If you are 13 then you don't need permission. If you are
in college, then by default you're over 13, so why would you even ask me
if you need permission? I really don't get it, which is exactly what makes
me think that you are actually 12, not in college, because no one who is
in college would ask me something like that because they would already
know the answer. See? I'm afraid you wouldn't know how to use the message
board even if you joined. Starwitch"
And then I wrote to her again:
"By the way, I think a college student would probably know how to spell
"college" correctly, lol. I really don't believe you at all and I've added
your email to my dumb emails page on the site. Congratulations! People try
to get on that page all the time (and fail) but you succeeded. If you are
REALLY in college and you can prove it somehow and you have some weird
reason for writing that to me that you can make me understand, then I'll
take you off the page, but I think you are younger than 13 and there is no
way you are in college. Your emails are your evidence - the odd questions
that no adult would ask and the bad grammar skills. I'm guessing you have
an older sibling who is in college and you are maybe using their computer
and email so you thought you would pretend to be them. Anyway, that's
enough. You can't join the board because you're too young and you aren't
smart enough to know how to pretend like you're older. Starwitch"
She replied to the first one:
"i am truly sorry but my friend has been messing
with my e-mail....i am not in colledge though i just turned sixteen today.
i had her fill out this thing for me because i was busy at the moment. i
can handle somethng like a message board...i am not as incompetent as you
may think i am. ok? i know i dont need my parents permission, its that
simple.. i will inform my sister to stop being such an idiot and screwing
things up.sorry about this simple complecation of a younger sibling."
and then to the second one:
"I do not appreciate you insulting me so horribly.
And no, I only have an older male sibling in Texas with whom I never talk
to, and I have told you that I have younger sibling who tap into my things
without permission and enough is enough."
This correspondence was very
much like another young girl I emailed with about a year ago, who ended up
being very vulgar with me after I told her that I knew she wasn't as old
as she was claiming to be. It was insanely silly. I had her emails posted
here for a while, but they were actually so vulgar that I removed them
after a few months.
Here is one I found that is
very typical of the types of emails I get a LOT of. I guess it's not
stupid really, just naive and I get tired of hearing it, so I'll put it on
this page so people won't ask me anymore:
07/06/05
Please give me a link to a web site that
tells me how to turn myself into a witch.
And of course, there needs to
be an answer to this question that tortures so many young wanna-be
witches, so here goes... I'm actually going to give you the real answer,
not a smart-ass answer. READ books about witchcraft. READ all the info you
can find about witchcraft. That's it really. Just READ. Stop asking people
to explain everything to you and READ the stuff that is freely available
all over the internet and in published books and on message boards. There
is no way to "turn yourself into a witch" really. It's something you
become over time, as you learn about witchcraft and decide that you are
interested enough to actually be a witch. Now if you join a coven, they
actually do have rituals and whatnot to officially declare you a witch. But
only the rare witch is in a real coven. Most of us practice alone
(solitary witch.) Some covens, mainly Wiccan covens,
have a one year waiting period before you can do spells. That's not a bad
idea really. You should study witchcraft for quite some time before you
start doing spells - at least teenagers and kids should because for some
reason you guys think that magic is like what you see on TV shows, like
POOF! - you've lost 30 pounds, your acne cleared up, and you are now
beautiful and have a hot new boyfriend and all the popularity you've ever
wanted. That's not going to happen. You have to work at stuff like that.
Visualization and meditation is a very
good way of getting the things you want in life. I'd recommend that you
learn how to do that and combine it with spells to get what you want. I also added this article to the site:
How to Become a Witch.
11/14/10 - Email on Facebook:
Hello!
Please help me with my biggest wish- becoming omnipotent wizard.
That means that I can conjure things out of nothing, morf myself
into an animal, see in dark, teleport myself etc. Please help me.
Ill do anything for my wish! Please make me a wizard with supernatural powers. Please,
I will do anything and everything for this wish! Please!
PS:
could You add me as a friend, please?
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