Loneliness Vent

[Wanderer022]

Hi everyone. So I was encouraged to start a thread, although I'm not sure what to say that hasn't already been said.

I feel lonely most of the time, because I don't have any friends. I have one friend, but she's much much older than me (old enough to be my grandmother) and I can only chat so much with her.

This started when I decided to lose weight a few years ago, although I've had trouble making friends long before that, all through my school life. I wasn't allowed to go do after school activities and that made it much worse. I was the fat, unpopular girl who never fit in anywhere.

When I lost weight everyone was also unsupportive and I couldn't tell anyone. They all left for college while I stayed behind to take care of my dad. Most of them were around since kindergarten, but I've always felt like they just spend time with me because they felt sorry for me.

So at the end, I've ended up with just 1 80yr old friend...and a slight problem...
I honestly think I'm starting to get an eating disorder. I feel like I'll never be skinny enough and that that's the reason nobody wants to be around me and why I have in my 23 years on this earth only had 1 boyfriend.

I can't stop thinking about food, reading about it, watching it on tv, thinking about dieting. It's what my life revolves around at the moment, and I'm stuck in this cycle "I'm fat, I need to diet or nobody will ever accept me" then "Ah screw people. I'm beautiful." then "The way they look at me scares me, I need to diet...I feel fat"

I have other things to do, draw, read, ect, but I'm not interested in doing them anymore. I really want friends to go out with, but I'm scared of them criticizing me.

So many conflicting things. I can't talk to anyone because everyone thinks it's a "phase" ... that happens to last for the past 3 years...including the shrink.

"You don't have an eating disorder, your not even skinny." - shrink , maybe not but that doesn't mean my thoughts aren't disordered!
"Do this or that diet." - 80yr old friend
"I'm happy with my body! You should be too!" -80yr old friend... well thanks I'm happy that you're happy with your body...
"Don't eat so much."

I'm alone, and I just want to be normal and happy. why can't I find someone here who's more like me? Why can't I find a friend my age that I don't have to get drunk, get naked, or get dolled up to hang out with?

[SnowCat]

Your shrink is a waste of time and money. I also question that individual's competence. Three years isn't a phase. Three years is an actual problem. Make an appointment with a general practitioner, and get a thorough evaluation. You should get a complete thyroid panel, including T3, RT3, T4, TSH, and antibodies. I speak as someone who has dealt with thyroid issues for many years, and the same school/ friends issues that you've described. I'm also a nurse. Please get checked. Please fire your shrink.

Snow

[Wanderer022]

Your shrink is a waste of time and money. I also question that individual's competence. Three years isn't a phase. Three years is an actual problem. Make an appointment with a general practitioner, and get a thorough evaluation. You should get a complete thyroid panel, including T3, RT3, T4, TSH, and antibodies. I speak as someone who has dealt with thyroid issues for many years, and the same school/ friends issues that you've described. I'm also a nurse. Please get checked. Please fire your shrink.

Snow

Thyroid? Why thyroid? Yeah I didn't go to the shrink again. Sadly its the only one where I live.

[SnowCat]

Thyroid problems can cause weight gain, inability to lose weight, depression, other mental and emotional issues. If you get it checked, you'll know if it's part of what's going on. Throwing medication at symptoms doesn't help. You need to what's making you feel the way you do.

Snow

[TwilightDancer]

"You don't have an eating disorder, your not even skinny." - shrink , maybe not but that doesn't mean my thoughts aren't disordered!

This phrase enrages me more than any other and it almost cost me my life.

When I was 16 I was put on medication that I didn't need(A whole other story) and the side effects affected my appetite. I was at that age where I cared a-lot about how I looked so I started becoming obsessed with calorie counting. I started restricting to the point that I would only eat a few hundred calories a day (which was easily done due to the medication). (I'm tall, so my weight gets distributed differently) It got to the point that my body couldn't handle functioning for more than a few hours at a time and would start shutting off randomly throughout the day(blackouts). One time I actually woke up, walked across my bedroom to the door and blacked out then fell and sprained my ankle. My body literally couldn't keep itself functioning. Once I finally decided to tell someone about it their response: "You don't look like you have an eating disorder, you look healthy to me". Keep in mind I was literally DYING inside.

Eating disorders are no joke and I had to overcome mine without anyone's help but my husband(who was my boyfriend at the time). I had no doctors or therapists to help me. My eating disorder may very well have cost me the ability to have children.

You might want to talk to your doctor about anxiety as well as Snow's suggestion.
And if you ever need someone to talk to feel free to pm me anytime.

[Wanderer022]

Thyroid problems can cause weight gain, inability to lose weight, depression, other mental and emotional issues. If you get it checked, you'll know if it's part of what's going on. Throwing medication at symptoms doesn't help. You need to what's making you feel the way you do.

Snow

Oh yeah, I should probably say, I don't have trouble losing weight. It's just that my mind is so conflicted on wether I should or shouldn't that I never do a diet long enough to see results. So I end up maintaining. I'm not that overweight though. I'm at the high end of a normal bmi. But because of my body shape I'm not as skinny as most girls my age.

But I'll get it checked anyway

[Wanderer022]

"You don't have an eating disorder, your not even skinny." - shrink , maybe not but that doesn't mean my thoughts aren't disordered!

This phrase enrages me more than any other and it almost cost me my life.

When I was 16 I was put on medication that I didn't need(A whole other story) and the side effects affected my appetite. I was at that age where I cared a-lot about how I looked so I started becoming obsessed with calorie counting. I started restricting to the point that I would only eat a few hundred calories a day (which was easily done due to the medication). (I'm tall, so my weight gets distributed differently) It got to the point that my body couldn't handle functioning for more than a few hours at a time and would start shutting off randomly throughout the day(blackouts). One time I actually woke up, walked across my bedroom to the door and blacked out then fell and sprained my ankle. My body literally couldn't keep itself functioning. Once I finally decided to tell someone about it their response: "You don't look like you have an eating disorder, you look healthy to me". Keep in mind I was literally DYING inside.

Eating disorders are no joke and I had to overcome mine without anyone's help but my husband(who was my boyfriend at the time). I had no doctors or therapists to help me. My eating disorder may very well have cost me the ability to have children.

You might want to talk to your doctor about anxiety as well as Snow's suggestion.
And if you ever need someone to talk to feel free to pm me anytime.

I'm so sorry you went through that! It's horrible. I can't say I have an eating disorder yet but I do have strong tendencies toward anorexia nervosa. And I'm really scared of gaining weight. Last night while writing this, I cried so much. And decided (again) screw it. And I deleted all 3 (yes 3) dieting apps on my phone. Today I'll really try to eat without restricting to certain foods, or counting in my head. But it's going to be hard. :/

At least I feel a bit better today.

[SnowCat]

Thyroid problems can cause anxiety too. Sometimes you have to commit to eating healthy one bite at a time. Literally. Focus on being healthy. Tell the mini-me's to shut up. That's much easier said than done. Keep checking in here. Everybody here has issues. We're a family here. Lean on us.

Snow

[Wanderer022]

Thyroid problems can cause anxiety too. Sometimes you have to commit to eating healthy one bite at a time. Literally. Focus on being healthy. Tell the mini-me's to shut up. That's much easier said than done. Keep checking in here. Everybody here has issues. We're a family here. Lean on us.

Snow

Thanks so much snow **sends 10 billion red roses**

[TwilightDancer]

I'm so sorry you went through that! It's horrible. I can't say I have an eating disorder yet but I do have strong tendencies toward anorexia nervosa. And I'm really scared of gaining weight. Last night while writing this, I cried so much. And decided (again) screw it. And I deleted all 3 (yes 3) dieting apps on my phone. Today I'll really try to eat without restricting to certain foods, or counting in my head. But it's going to be hard. :/

At least I feel a bit better today.

I'm so glad to hear that you're feeling better today! Its a tough thing to overcome but it can be done. I'm living proof of that. Like Snow said, it really is a one day at a time deal and no amount of progress is too small.

[Wanderer022]

My thoughts as I try to distract myself at breakfast!

Okay now, just one tablespoon of this sauce -- ohhh! Just look how beautifully the sunrays shine through those curtains! So many colors!

I guess this toast is 200 calories -- Three hundred and seventy five mililitres, yes three hundred and seventy five in this bottle of sauce! (Emphasis on saying the words one by one)

I shouldn't have put marmelade on one slice -- just imagine how you would draw that coffee cup, wouldn't that be a great subject to draw? So many tones..

I should go walk to burn some off -- I should go walk and spend time with Father Herne...


Le sigh.

[TwilightDancer]

Okay now, just one tablespoon of this sauce -- ohhh! Just look how beautifully the sunrays shine through those curtains! So many colors!

I shouldn't have put marmelade on one slice -- just imagine how you would draw that coffee cup, wouldn't that be a great subject to draw? So many tones..

These are actually great! You've replaced negative thoughts with positive ones. Good job!

[Wanderer022]

Okay now, just one tablespoon of this sauce -- ohhh! Just look how beautifully the sunrays shine through those curtains! So many colors!

I shouldn't have put marmelade on one slice -- just imagine how you would draw that coffee cup, wouldn't that be a great subject to draw? So many tones..

These are actually great! You've replaced negative thoughts with positive ones. Good job!

My head is so messy hahaha

[smogie_michele]

I related to everything you just said, so I will say from personal experience: Just get your thyroid checked just in case

I've suffered with anxiety issues my whole life, have been to rehab for eating disorders, was recently hospitalized for a severe panic attack- just now did I find a doctor who thought, "Huh, why hasn't anyone ever checked this?"
My thyroid DID come back normal, but that at least one one thing to mark off the list and was able to help direct my doctor to the next step.

Thoughts like this are terrible, feel free to message me if you need to vent