Everything Under the Moon

I feel silly saying I'm depressed. But it's true, all the signs are there. I don't care about how I look, I lost interest in things I used to enjoy, I cry over the stupidest stuff, or get mad for no reason. I either sleep and eat alot or not at all. I don't want to be around people, I feel the world is against me, and I have nothing to offer it. I feel useless and worthless and ugly and unloved and forgotten.
I think quite often, wouldn't everyone be better off if I wasn't around, they would be better off without me around bringing them down. I have even decided on my method of suicide, if I ever get to the point I am brave enough to do it.
I feel silly, because, I know it's not true. My family loves me, I have friends that care. I would be missed. But more often than not, I just feel bad. It's not like I have a hard life either. I feel guilty for feeling bad, when so many others have it so much worse. I get sick, once the anxiety sets in I can't stop the flood of pain that comes with it. The stomach aches, nausea, migraines, back aches. and they last for a week!
My life may not be hard or even bad, but what I've done with my life makes me feel bad. I feel like I'm doing nothing but throwing it away. I have made bad decisions, got addicted to things that are damaging. I've quit school, twice. I go out of my way to make sure people are happy, not me.
I try to change, but it's hard. You can't always see the forest for the trees, till you hit one!
I hate myself for not being what I expected to be by now. Im 33, and I haven't accomplished much. I haven't even been able to get married or have a kid, like most of my classmates. I spent my 20's with one person, working, and partying was all I did. By the time I was 29, I wanted to grow up and have a real career and think about a family.
I decided to change my whole life, start over. I started a good job, left the guy I was with for 11 years. we were engaged for a year, but I decided he wasn't the guy I wanted for a husband or father of my children. He was addicted to pot, and wanted to be a musician.
I began to feel like I had control of my life for the first time, and was beginning to have confidence.
But I started having problems with my cool new job, and I got envolved with another guy, too soon after my breakup, I realize now. I quit that job, and my boyfriend, turned fiance, and I struggled to make ends meet. To add to the stress he has a son, and a ex baby-momma he has to deal with.
I love my fiance and his son, and wouldn't take back meeting him. things have been rough for us, but he has been there for me all the way. When I wanted to give up, he pushed me to keep going.
But no matter how supportive he was, the fact that I "ruined" all our plans, by quitting my job, made me spiral into a deeper depression. He wanted to leave me, cause I just couldn't care anymore, I didn't even want to try anymore. He made me realise what I was doing to us and myself.
I still feel like crap every other day or so, but at least now I'm trying. Being shut up alone, except for a toddler, for a year really messes with ya. Oh, and I lost my only and best friend, we worked together, and she quit and walked out, I told her off about it and we haven't spoke since.
So I felt like I had no friends, and my family doesn't call me voluntarily. I really felt alone, unneeded, and unwanted for a long time.
Now I just take one day at a time. I don't expect to be happy, and I try not to worry about what other people think. I do my best, and am trying to put myself out there around people again. I was told I wasn't the warmest person I used to be. But people have hurt me and I put up walls so I don't get hurt again. But again I realized, shutting out your family isn't good. Even if they don't really understand, at least they will always be there. Mine is, and I need to remember that.

HI Indigo...you really aren't alone in how you feel. You aren't all those terrible things you say to yourself. I think, and this is only my opinion...I think that you just lost sight of that loving person you truly are. I was there many times. Do you remember when things felt good in your life? What were you doing? I mean, did you read, write, talk to friends, light candles, go for walks.... Whatever it was that you were doing when things felt good, well are you doing them now? I'm guessing not. I have to go right now, but I'll be back tomorrow and I'll write some more to you. Before I go though, I just want to say that you are not all those negative things you think you are. I can feel it in your writing and I can also feel that you will see the sunshine soon enough. When you read this will you do something? Just think of 5 things that you can be grateful for and give gratitude to your Higher Power. Whatever that may be, even if it's to the Universe or God, Goddess, Mother Earth or the Light inside you. The Light is still there and you DO still have some faith or hope that things will get brighter for you, otherwise you wouldn't have written then letter. Blessings to you Indigo and I will be back. <3

Since writing my last post and reading the response from Serenity Willow, I realized how easy it is to be negative, and how hard it is to be positive. Especially when things aren't the way you want them or expect them to be.
However, I have found and written down my good attributes, and two affirmations I got out of a spell book I have. I posted these to my mirror and everytime I wake up or pass by the mirror, I look at myself and read them. I read somewhere that you have to retrain your brain to think positively, and by telling yourself good things over and over again, you will start to beleive it, just the same as telling yourself bad things all the time you begin to believe it.
I am also working on more of support from family and friends. I have shut them out, and that is not the way to be I'm told. And I try to do something everyday that gives me joy, even if it's just reading a little, or going for a walk.

Being happy involves risk I notice, so it's easier to not use the effort to change, although getting happy could be easy depending on how you do it. Like if you see someone else that behaves a certain way and is happy because of it just copy them, it works for at least a little while. Not talking about hobbies or anything but behavior.

Also alot of things that don't have to do much with life circumstances can cause people to get depressed too, such as mental or physical inactivity, lack of proper diet, lack of fresh air, sitting more than walking or for more than an hour at a time, lack of water, outdoor time, etc.

Goodluck.

Oh Indigo I'm so happy for you. You got it and you're so right. I'm a positive loving person TODAY. I'm good to myself and to others TODAY. I lived thru an abusive relationship and all the negative things I thought about myself and said to myself. Today, I wake up most mornings sad and wanting to sleep to day away...but the first thing, before I get out of bed, I lay there and ask my Higher Power for help to see the good in my life, help me to be kind to others and to open my heart to more love...and to please help me get my butt out of bed. I'm really so happy to read your post and I'm sending you love and positive to brighten your days <3

Kei, you are very right about doing things that make us feel better. Even exercising..half the battle is just getting there, but once you do, you always feel better after