Everything Under the Moon

I'm depressed. I don't know what kind of depression I have because my parents won't take me to see anyone. (They're against professional help.) These past few months, I've experienced a different sort of depression. It used to be like I was stuck in my head, where my reality was what was happening inside my head. I didn't have any control over what was going on or who I appeared to be. Recently, however, I realized that I was depressed but could hide it. I've been close to suicide before, but that was because there was just so much going on. Now, I've been close and I'm not sure why I feel this way. I'm so calm about it. I straightened my life out; my grades are good and I'm going to college in the fall. But I feel closer to suicide than I've ever felt before. It doesn't make sense to me. I want to say that I'm not going to because I'm happy and in a good relationship and have a future, but for some reason, I just can't give a definite 'yes' when people ask me if I'm going to make it. Sometimes I just really want to commit suicide, but I feel like I don't really have too much of a reason anymore. I don't really understand why all this is happening, but I know it's effecting me and my boyfriend. My other friends don't know that I've been suicidal, but they know about my depression. I know that if I tell an adult, they'll tell my parents. I will say that my parents aren't understanding at all and would probably not do anything about it. A few years ago, I told my mom I was sick of wanting to die & she said, "Join the club" like feeling like that was normal for the everyday person. My dad refused to talk about it with me & walked away from the conversation.
Oh! and one more thing: I should say that I'm not always depressed; it comes and goes. But I've been suicidal even when I wasn't depressed.
If anyone can help me with anything, or just tell me anything that they think would help, that would be great.

I would start by pointing you towards the below threads, just to make sure you know, there are things you can do to help yourself.

http://everythingunderthemoon.net/forum ... t8800.html

http://everythingunderthemoon.net/forum ... t8810.html

As for your situation, I'm not sure how I can help but I'll be here if you need to talk. And just so you know I can understand where you are coming from, I have been in a similar place. About a year ago I did make an attempt so I've been to that ledge, and come back. It's not a place for anyone to be, but sometimes we find ourselves there. So if you need to talk, I'll be here.

And remember the hotline number, you don't need your parents permission to call for help. It's there for you.

There's a theory... I'm not whether I believe it or not... that malevolent entities can get inside our heads and affect us and even cause us to commit suicide. This book here explains it.

http://www.amazon.com/Dark-Intrusions-I ... f_ee_p_t_1

Another book you might want to read is called "Suicide: What Really Happens in the Afterlife"


http://www.amazon.com/Suicide-What-Real ... 213&sr=1-1

Hopefully, by filling your mind full of the horrible possibilities that could happen if you kill yourself you'll be less likely to kill yourself.

I'm a big reader if you couldn't tell.

In another set of books, "Journey of Souls" and "Destiny of Souls" and in my boyfriend, Ron's, own experience of his past-life suicides, it seems that certain souls have a tendency to commit suicide in life after life. I wonder if you were able to hypnotize yourself to your past lives and see if that's what happened if you'd find the reason for your suicidal feelings? And you know what else.... it just occurred to me that you could be an empath and simply be picking up the feelings of your own mother. She seems to be somewhat suicidal as well to have said "join the club". If you're suicidal without being depressed, it could be that you are picking up HER suicidal feelings, which is why you don't understand where it's coming from. (Or you could both be affected by the same environmental toxin or demon.) There are really a lot of possibilities. Studying this problem could prove to be very interesting for you if you like learning about spiritual things, which I assume you probably do or you wouldn't be here on this forum.

I can tell you that we're not exactly qualified here to assist you. All we can do is let you air your feelings and tell you what we think from our personal experience. None of us are therapists. I know there must be suicide forums that are staffed with real therapists though. And if not, there's always the hotlines, but they may just tell you to seek counseling. I really don't know what they do. Couldn't hurt to try since it's free and they hear stories like yours every few minutes.

I think it's good that you're talking about it. Keeping those feelings bottled up inside can make them stronger. It's good to come here and talk about it or talk to a friend. Have you considered your school counselor? You could get out of class AND get therapy at the same time! Sounds like a good time all around. Therapy is fun, so take what you can get. Your parents might not be able to afford therapy and probably don't have mental health insurance. And your mom could be depressed because of financial issues. It could be that your whole family is depressed and suicidal because they feel like the recession is getting the best of them and now their daughter (son?) needs therapy and they can't afford that either. Or like you said, they may just not believe in it. A lot of people don't.

If you want to read something really wild that my boyfriend wrote about suicide, check out this thread:

http://everythingunderthemoon.net/forum ... t8800.html

I've heard similar stories in the books about suicide. It's important that you know this before you try to kill yourself because the results could be so horrible that you'll wish you'd never gone through with it. But there'll be nothing you can do once you have that thought - because you'll already be dead. Just know that it's not "lights out" when you kill yourself. I've left my body many times and so have thousands of other people. Earth is simply a school that souls go to to learn. If you kill yourself, you screw up your own life contract, as well as that of others', which can cause a deep feeling of regret and disappointment in the afterlife.

I wish you could get hypnotized and have a life-between-lives regression like they do in "Journey of Souls". Then you'd know once and for all why you have these feelings and I bet it would clear them up completely and give you a whole new lease on life. But those are expensive and could be hard to find if you're in a small town. I hope you'll read the books anyway and then maybe when you're a little older you'll be able to go have one done on yourself.

You can write me on Facebook if you feel like talking to me privately.

http://www.facebook.com/everythingunderthemoon

Best wishes to you. I'll pray for you to find meaning in your life and for the suicidal feelings to stop. Oh yeah, try putting a white light bubble around yourself (just imagine it there) to protect you against other peoples' negative feelings.

Bright blessings,
Starwitch

Thank you to both of you. I found the links to be interesting. If I ever run across those books, I'll pick them up. It's nice to talk to people who understand. A lot of my friends don't really understand suicide and the feelings accompanying it. It's different to talk to someone who's actually been suicidal and understands what the 'edge' is. It sucks that we've gone through it, but thanks for saying it that way. As for talking to the school counselor, I'm out of school. I did that for my sophomore and junior years. It helped a lot, but everyone ended up telling me to get professional help. I'll be able to do that once I turn 18 in September, I just have to hold out until then.

I was thinking about Ron's story, and it's really remarkable. I don't know what I'd do with myself if I had all those memories. I never thought about suicide being longer than an instant. The way he described the bullet going through his head really made me stop and think. I've never thought about the physical part of suicide, if I had, I wouldn't be alive. I'm not saying I'm going to commit suicide because I thought about it now, I'm just saying that I tried to commit suicide when I was younger, but it obviously didn't work because I didn't do it right. (It's sick to know that there's a right and a wrong way to do suicide.) Anyway, I hope that he's doing better now. Give him props from me for sticking it out.

I will also say that I am an empath. I don't think it's my mom's emotions I'm picking up, but it might be my sister's. This was a good lead. Also, I am now wondering if it could be the feelings of one of my friends that I'm close to, or even my boyfriend. The catch is that I haven't seen any of my friends in a week or two, but I saw my boyfriend last Friday. Is it possible to pick things up even when I'm not around people? Another related thing, is it possible to not only pick up on different emotions, but also on the state of someone's spirit or soul? If so, I think it may be likely that I'm picking up on a certain state rather than emotion.

I have found myself wanting to commit suicide here recently and realized I have been for the past 10 years but never did it, so I guess there is a reason for it.

I found myself in a depression too, that just seemed like an endless circle, not sleeping at night, therefor not wanting to get up, too tired to do anything, bored sitting at home.
I went to a psychiatrists and he gave me zoloft and it didn't do anything for me. Nor did he really seem to want to do the let's talk thingy in the first meeting and I can't expect anybody to pay 90+ $ for one visit. So I stopped taking the pills and canceled my second appointment.
What I have learned about my depression, is that it's all me. I cling to bad stuff and get angry and don't know where to put that anger, which leads me to have nights that I toss and turn and not sleep. It is kind of like quitting smoking.
It has to click in your head, that you are the one in control of your happiness. I am still struggling with it. So if you need to talk, please shoot me a message, because I am in that same spot. Seriously. It seems like no one understands me and when I do say something I get that response I expected.

I just did a little work out this morning, put on some high energy music and kicked and boxed and danced. And tonight I will sleep tight, pr so I hope.

LA-fairy:

I understand, especially about hearing the same things over & over. I haven't tried any medicine or anything, but I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. Hopefully, this will all go away, but if not, I'll remember your invitation (along with the others ) to message you. The same goes to you as well. If you want to talk about anything, just pm me. I'm on here pretty often.

I recently (I mean, like yesterday) started looking into chakra healing. Hopefully, it will work. I'm not too sure about the details, but I think I've seen results. I say I think because it's kind of complicated. I put up a new topic about it under shamanism.

Thanks for replying, everyone!!! It's nice to have people thinking about me. I've tried reaching out before, but people have always called me desperate or said that I was doing it for attention or they didn't believe me. It's nice to have people taking me seriously. <3

PS and you're right about depression being all about you. (you as in the person who is depressed, not necessarily you you.) It's you focusing on you instead of you focusing or being able to realize the rest of the world. I want to say it's selfish, but I don't want to sound offensive, so I will say that I have learned words like 'selfish' in this case aren't insults-they are just the truth. We can't always help being depressed, but you're right about the fact that we can help ourselves become happy.

You're right. It is a bit selfish, but it always triggered by something that you have no control over and the person focuses on that, and let that take them to a dark place.
I have learned in the passed few days that I need to just hush my mouth and if I need, just stay serious, but not mad and make little information remarks. Like. "I think you should wait." and not explain how I feel and why and all. It has no effect, just a waste.

Chakra healing might be the thing for you. At least the learning will take your mind off of it!

You're right- the learning has distracted me. & I'm glad someone understands about the control part of it. It confuses me at times. I'm really hoping this chakra stuff works out. I think it will, but of course I can't be sure until I try it. Maybe it would help if you tried it?