Everything Under the Moon

Hello, I do not really know if this is the right area to ask this but I do not know where else. I need help. I have tried to shoulder this burden and ignore it for 14 years and now I feel that I am in a rut and am having a hard time moving forward and opening myself to trust and love others.

A little background. After all the mishap in Mexico with my family, I returned to the U.S. where I had a mental breakdown and was taken to a Psychologist. She is a wonderful, kind woman who is open to many things. I thought that all she needed to help me with was what I went through in the past 7 months, but the more we talked, the further back in my life she wanted me to discuss. She told me that there is something else going on and my recent experiences were not the cause. So we went further and further back until we reached the red flag. When I was 9 years old, I was sexually abused by a neighborhood teenager and I had completely wiped it from mind, until now.

As a child, you look up to the older kids because they were not yet the know-it-all adults, and they were the cool and knew what was hip. I was playing hide-and-seek, when one of the older kids came behind me, put his hands underneath my clothes and started touching me. I was confused. It did not feel right, but the older kids always knew what was right, right? I am independent and have never liked bothering anybody with my problems so I kept quiet. I never went outside to play again and I stopped wearing dresses and never wanted to look "pretty". No body found out until 9 years later when I was leaving for college, but it was late.

This is where I need help. Now, almost like muscle memory, my body automatically shuts down and my mind goes elsewhere whenever I am with a partner. Not to mention the trust issues. I have asked people in a beat-around-the-bush without explaining my backstory how I can fix this and all they say is to date or sleep with more people. I find that this is completely against the point. I can not even hold hands with a person without panicking and having my mind go somewhere else. I do not think that their idea of casual partners will help me.

So here I am, how can I, or where do I even begin to look or what can I do to help my body relax and allow myself to find companionship with another person? Any and all advice is more than welcome and if you need more information please let me know because I am ready to heal, I just do not know how to heal something that has been allowed 14 years to fester and become an automatic reflex.

I would just like to say thank you in advance and for all of you to have a blessed day.
Azriel
^-^~

Love thyself before loving another... physically and mentally. It sounds to me that you may need help in dealing with your sexuality, what I mean is "self love". The more comfortable you get with yourself and pleasure on your own, maybe your mind will follow suit when you discover on your own what "feels right" and what is comfortable sexually for you when you are by yourself. Then when with a partner things may become easier. Basically I'm suggesting reprogramming your mind to accept physical love by first becoming comfortable with self pleasure, accepting that it is a natural thing to do, feel and enjoy. Focus on you first then worry about physical pleasure with another person. The trust has to start with you, you need to trust you first.

Hope that made sense!

Thank you for replying AdastraJunction. This has never been easy to talk about and I had a feeling that this community would be the one to be open and honest with me. Thank you for that!

Do not worry, it made perfect sense! People have always used the phrase "Love yourself before others" but the context never made sense. But you have explained it perfectly. To tell you the truth, I started to work with this after the last person I dated in 2011. I thought something was wrong with me and was told by my roommates that I was probably frigid and will never be happy. -_-' I was then invited to a Tupperware party for Pure Romance and have slowly been introducing myself to a side of life I had never known. I have not explored all that much but what you said makes sense and I can see where making this somewhat of a habit can help both my body and mind to calm down.

I will take your advice to heart and see if I can treat myself right!

Thank you again!
Azriel
^-^~

I'm naturally a very sexual person and comfortable with that, but I also never went through any sort of abuse to make me believe it was wrong. There is NOTHING wrong with being sexual, sensual or sexy. Yourself image is important, how you see yourself affects everything you do in life either directly or indirectly, so having that part of you violated I can imagine is something incredibly hardy to get past. I very much hope you are able to find the beauty in what is it to be sexually free as a woman and the power that holds, you can only become stronger from the past if you choose too. As a women you are stronger than you are told to believe, a force of nature, giver of life. So be that sexy free woman you should be and never be ashamed of that fact.

First of all thank you for being so brave and open about this subject. A lot of people don't have the courage to speak about such things. So thank you.

With something like this, you basically have to relearn the concept of love. As well as relearn the ability to have someone touch you in a positive manner. There is such a thing as love and there is such a thing as good touch. We are social beings and touch is very important. But, with something like this I know how emotion is stored within your muscles, that refelx you mention. Guarding yourself physically, emotionally as well. I am so glad to hear you taking steps to love yourself, it is really the first step in all of the healing process and by far the most important. Being comfortable in your own skin is the most liberating feeling you can have once you get there.

I am a Therapeutic Massage Student, and for something as far as the physical guarding and having "positive touch" have you considered massage? while, it may be not on your top 10 list of things to do, I could see it helping with your conscious efforts reaffirming that there is positive touch and, just as important, YOU control that. Because it doesn't take me even knowing you to know everyone needs nurturing, that our society lacks positive touch, and people's muscles crave a little human compassion every once in a while. I would advise looking into that when you are ready for it. State laws will help you determine who's legit and who isn't. Plus i'd be more than happy to help answer questions about all that, if you wanted, that is. (and any massage therapist worth their weight can do massage over any amount of clothing you wish to wear -client comfort first-)

This is where I need help. Now, almost like muscle memory, my body automatically shuts down and my mind goes elsewhere whenever I am with a partner. Not to mention the trust issues. I have asked people in a beat-around-the-bush without explaining my backstory how I can fix this and all they say is to date or sleep with more people. I find that this is completely against the point. I can not even hold hands with a person without panicking and having my mind go somewhere else. I do not think that their idea of casual partners will help me.

So here I am, how can I, or where do I even begin to look or what can I do to help my body relax and allow myself to find companionship with another person? Any and all advice is more than welcome and if you need more information please let me know because I am ready to heal, I just do not know how to heal something that has been allowed 14 years to fester and become an automatic reflex.

I'm really sorry to hear about your experience, Azriel. In domestic violence advocate training, we call this experience where your body dissociates from your mind trauma. Your body has associated touching and companionship with a dangerous situation and so your mind shutting down/going elsewhere is more or less a physiological response. The good thing is that you becoming aware of this long-forgotten memory means that you are now ready to heal from it.*

As Spikeychick mentions, the key here is control. Trauma is caused by an incident where you are in some situation that overwhelms your ability to cope -- you did not have control over the situation. From what it sounds like, you've tried to regain control by doing things like avoiding relationships, or wearing dresses. So you need to find situations in which you have control. Another skill that will be helpful (especially since this is what a lot of witches practice) is grounding and centering, to keep your mind in the here and now. Since your body is used to associating physical touch with a traumatic experience, you need to consciously make another association.

So here's an exercise I would suggest. Get a friend whom you completely trust to sit down with you. Start out with little stuff, like having her touch your arm with her hand. Now just focus on the physical sensation -- for example, what does her hand feel like? Is it warm? Are her fingers calloused? Similar to meditation, it is about gently keeping your focus and attention on the present moment. (It's important that whenever you start feeling uncomfortable or you can't help your mind from slipping away, you can tell your friend to stop touching you and she'll stop -- this is about you regaining control over a situation) Then, when you feel like you can keep your mind on the present situation with ease, you can graduate to other kind of touching, like hand-holding or hugging. (It's okay to take it slow!!!)

Hope this helps ... I am not a trained professional or anything like that, but this is something we learned about in advocate training that I thought was really applicable to your situation.

* Denial/repression can be a protective measure, since your body instinctively knows that it's not in a healthy or safe place to be able to deal with a harmful memory. You DO have to process the pain and feel everything you need to feel, though. This might be a silly metaphor, but I imagine that this is similar to if you were being chased by a bear or something, and you fall and hurt your wrist. Yeah, it hurts, but the fight-or-flight situation keeps you going -- you barely notice your wrist being sprained and you get up and keep running. Later, once you're safe, you can sit down, realize you hurt your wrist, and take care of it.

I'm naturally a very sexual person and comfortable with that, but I also never went through any sort of abuse to make me believe it was wrong. There is NOTHING wrong with being sexual, sensual or sexy. Yourself image is important, how you see yourself affects everything you do in life either directly or indirectly, so having that part of you violated I can imagine is something incredibly hardy to get past. I very much hope you are able to find the beauty in what is it to be sexually free as a woman and the power that holds, you can only become stronger from the past if you choose too. As a women you are stronger than you are told to believe, a force of nature, giver of life. So be that sexy free woman you should be and never be ashamed of that fact.

Self confidence in a person makes them even more beautiful and I hope that I can shine as much as you are right now AdastraJunction!

First of all thank you for being so brave and open about this subject. A lot of people don't have the courage to speak about such things. So thank you.

With something like this, you basically have to relearn the concept of love. As well as relearn the ability to have someone touch you in a positive manner. There is such a thing as love and there is such a thing as good touch. We are social beings and touch is very important. But, with something like this I know how emotion is stored within your muscles, that refelx you mention. Guarding yourself physically, emotionally as well. I am so glad to hear you taking steps to love yourself, it is really the first step in all of the healing process and by far the most important. Being comfortable in your own skin is the most liberating feeling you can have once you get there.

I am a Therapeutic Massage Student, and for something as far as the physical guarding and having "positive touch" have you considered massage? while, it may be not on your top 10 list of things to do, I could see it helping with your conscious efforts reaffirming that there is positive touch and, just as important, YOU control that. Because it doesn't take me even knowing you to know everyone needs nurturing, that our society lacks positive touch, and people's muscles crave a little human compassion every once in a while. I would advise looking into that when you are ready for it. State laws will help you determine who's legit and who isn't. Plus i'd be more than happy to help answer questions about all that, if you wanted, that is. (and any massage therapist worth their weight can do massage over any amount of clothing you wish to wear -client comfort first-)

First of all, thank you for responding spikeychick! I have never had a massage before so I never thought of it. After reading your response I did a little bit of research and, while this person does not live any where near me, I found this site. http://sunyatasatchitananda.com/ It was very interesting when I skimmed through it and appears to be a mix of what you AdastraJunction and Xiao Rong have been advising me to do.

But I would like to ask a question. Is there any specific massage I should be looking for or should I just ease my way into what feels more comfortable?

I'm really sorry to hear about your experience, Azrael. In domestic violence advocate training, we call this experience where your body dissociates from your mind trauma. Your body has associated touching and companionship with a dangerous situation and so your mind shutting down/going elsewhere is more or less a physiological response. The good thing is that you becoming aware of this long-forgotten memory means that you are now ready to heal from it.*

As Spikeychick mentions, the key here is control. Trauma is caused by an incident where you are in some situation that overwhelms your ability to cope -- you did not have control over the situation. From what it sounds like, you've tried to regain control by doing things like avoiding relationships, or wearing dresses. So you need to find situations in which you have control. Another skill that will be helpful (especially since this is what a lot of witches practice) is grounding and centering, to keep your mind in the here and now. Since your body is used to associating physical touch with a traumatic experience, you need to consciously make another association.

So here's an exercise I would suggest. Get a friend whom you completely trust to sit down with you. Start out with little stuff, like having her touch your arm with her hand. Now just focus on the physical sensation -- for example, what does her hand feel like? Is it warm? Are her fingers calloused? Similar to meditation, it is about gently keeping your focus and attention on the present moment. (It's important that whenever you start feeling uncomfortable or you can't help your mind from slipping away, you can tell your friend to stop touching you and she'll stop -- this is about you regaining control over a situation) Then, when you feel like you can keep your mind on the present situation with ease, you can graduate to other kind of touching, like hand-holding or hugging. (It's okay to take it slow!!!)

Hope this helps ... I am not a trained professional or anything like that, but this is something we learned about in advocate training that I thought was really applicable to your situation.

* Denial/repression can be a protective measure, since your body instinctively knows that it's not in a healthy or safe place to be able to deal with a harmful memory. You DO have to process the pain and feel everything you need to feel, though. This might be a silly metaphor, but I imagine that this is similar to if you were being chased by a bear or something, and you fall and hurt your wrist. Yeah, it hurts, but the fight-or-flight situation keeps you going -- you barely notice your wrist being sprained and you get up and keep running. Later, once you're safe, you can sit down, realize you hurt your wrist, and take care of it.

Thank you for your input Xiao Rong! It is interesting to see the same theme of retraining my body to not go on autopilot when my comfort zone has been breached. I would like to ask a question though. I believe that to truly help myself, I will need to apply these exercises almost daily, or very often. Now, I know this may sound sad, but I do not have friends, but I do believe that your exercise will be very helpful. Is there a way I could modify it to compensate for the fact that I have no one I trust to help me with the "positive touch?"

I would like to thank you all again for your advice and am going to work hard to heal myself and find the inner beauty that has been pushed aside for all of these years.

Blesses be to all of you!
Azriel
^-^~

Thank you for your input Xiao Rong! It is interesting to see the same theme of retraining my body to not go on autopilot when my comfort zone has been breached. I would like to ask a question though. I believe that to truly help myself, I will need to apply these exercises almost daily, or very often. Now, I know this may sound sad, but I do not have friends, but I do believe that your exercise will be very helpful. Is there a way I could modify it to compensate for the fact that I have no one I trust to help me with the "positive touch?"

Well, I think that just practicing grounding and centering are helpful skills, so that the next time someone touches you, you can use those skills. Some of the grounding techniques that I've heard about are things like:

1. Name 5 things about where you are right now (e.g. details about the room around you -- "The walls are blue")
2. Go through your 5 senses. What do you see? What do you hear? What can you smell? What can you taste? What do you feel?
3. Name 5 colors you can see in your immediate environment.
4. Breathe deeply. Focus on the sensation of breathing, like the feeling of air in your nostrils, the feeling of your chest expanding, the sound of your breath, etc.

These are just a few grounding techniques that you can use. There are other types of grounding techniques, but the kind that I think is most applicable to your situation are designed to help anchor you to the present situation so you don't dissociate, and to help remind you that you are not in a dangerous situation and that you are safe. Just like meditation, it will require practice, and when someone does touch you and triggers your trauma response, you can use these techniques to bring you back. Hopefully this will help re-train your brain to stay in the moment, as opposed to defaulting to trauma responses that aren't helpful anymore.

Massage would be less invasive compared to the link you posted. While, I don't see it as a bad idea, it may be a long term goal for you if you so choose to go that route, considering it is way more invasive.

While massage has many different modalities to choose from, your comfort level is key in all of this process. I know that many massage therapists are able to formulate a massage plan to tailor to stuff like abuse, addiction, ect. If you are open to them and ask what they can do they can have a better understanding as to how they can help you. I would guess a basic relaxation massage, technical term is Swedish massage, not too extensive, it can work on the physical guarding reflex while giving you the ability to be in control of the pace of the session.

I completely agree with Xiao on the grounding and centering. It is such a useful skill to learn not only for this but it translates well to many other aspects of life. But it's really awesome that you're working in a holistic manner (mind body spirit) to help yourself heal. good luck!

Thank you Xiao Rong and Spikeychick! I will work on the grounding and try to take control of my reactions! I agree, Spikeychick, I also thought that it was a little invasive but I did find it interesting to read in relation to what I have experienced.

I honestly do not know how to thank you all enough! I have begun applying some of the exercises and advice that the three of you have given me, and I hope that I will start feeling more in tune with myself.

Have a blessed day!
Azriel
^-^~