Everything Under the Moon

As a firefighter/EMS first responder, we are often intimately involved in some peoples' major life changes, such as a catastrophic loss of property, or an illness. Occasionally, we are there to welcome new life into this world. And too often, it seems, we are there when they leave the living world. Sadly, despite our best efforts, they don't survive the illness or injury.

I know I have what's termed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) that stems from physical abuse as a child. I am extremely hypervigilant and I'm very sensitive to the presence of people behind me. Like a police officer, I will not sit with my back to a door.

That said...

I have been to several fatal vehicle accidents and cardiac arrests that resulted in the patient making their final departure. Most don't affect me afterward. Sure, I think of them and say a prayer for them, but usually, I'm okay with it. Death is a part of life.

But if I happen to see into their eyes...that changes. The first time I ever looked into the eyes of someone who already passed on, it stuck with me for over a month. I normally don't need a light to get around my house in the dark. I know where everything is, and I have excellent night vision. But for that month, if I didn't turn on a light, I would see the departed lady standing in front of me. She was a 26-year-old female who was in a car accident and died from head trauma, but she was standing in front of me whearing all white, and no injuries. She spoke no audible words, and she caused no harm.

Most recently, a lady of 36 years passed away as a result of cardiac arrest resulting from an asthma attack, allegedly caused from smoking meth. The paramedics already had CPR in progress prior to our arrival. Once we arrived on scene, I jumped in and took over compressions while a deputy handled breathing for her and the medics prepared to intubate and gain IO access (intraosseous access, same concept as IV but in the bone, not the vein). This whole time, this poor lady, clinically deceased (no pulse, no respirations), is staring at me. I worked this poor girl for nearly 45 minutes from her bedroom floor, to the ride in the ambulance, to the trauma room where several nurses and doctors took over care. We got her pulse back several times, and when we hooked her up to the EKG at the hospital, she had a somewhat regular pulse and a halfway "okay" rhythm.

I learned later that she crashed again and they couldn't bring her back. They called it about an hour after we got her to the hospital.

For the next four or five nights, back to having to turn the lights on because I would see her standing there as though she were alive and in perfect health, wearing all white. A flowing gown of white. No audible words.

Could it be possible that these ladies were just dropping by to let me know they were okay and in a better place, and that I shouldn't be sad? Because, to tell the truth, I was very sad about their passing. Both had a husband and kids, and they were present when the unfortunate occurred. Could it be because looking into their eyes "unlocked" something, either with me or them? It's been said that the eyes are windows to the soul, and that's not just a figure of speech to me...I've long held that belief. It's the first thing I notice about a person.

Some people would just tell me to get counseling, that it's flashbacks or hallucinations. But I'm sure that's not the case. There is a reason for this.

What do you think?

In my studies, the eyes are definitely important. Even more so than is immediately recognized.

You probably formed a bond with the deceased women with your eyes through empathy.

I'm sorry to hear you're going through that. It seems like it could be tough

They may have come to visit you because they are now in a better place. { I know. I died 3 times, once for 2'48" and flatlined the EEG.} They know that you were having trouble getting along with the connection you made by eye to eye contact. They may well be there to let you talk. You can lay it to rest. Closure is needed by you. Speak your mind, even if it's just "Sorry you died young and had to leave your family behind.". They are giving you a chance to bring the intimate connection to resolution. They are, after all, the only ones who can help you resolve the feelings you have about the situation.

I also agree with your understanding and with what's been said already. When I was on the stretcher, that moment of eye contact with the EMS person hooking me up to tubes for god knew what, was a great comfort to me. I knew then that i wasn't just an object. I was a person to them & I knew I could trust them to give it their best shot. I left my body and floated over the ambulance, re-entered briefly while we crossed the river on the way to the hospital, and went adrift again once we'd crossed.it's been a few years and I still remember that calming glance from the eyes of the person who helped me. I'd say the spirits you've seen were saying thanks.

When you're with someone in that situation, it forms a very strong, very intimate bond. It could be that these ladies were visiting to let you know they're okay, or it could be that they were confused by their abrupt passing, and we're hanging on to the lat bit of comfort they remembered. I suspect the latter. I speak from experience as a nurse.

Snow

Thank you all so much for your responses...they really helped.

I've always just turned the lights on...perhaps when they show up, I should speak with them right then. I certainly don't want to hold them up on heir journey! The reason they show up repeatedly could be because they also care about me and they know that their passing saddens me. It could be for thanks, it could be their way of giving me closure or getting their own closure. Maybe all of the above. I really should try to talk to them when they come...I know it will happen again one day.

They may well have sensed my care and concern for them...these are fellow human beings in a time of need, not "just another patient." People with lives and families, who had plans and such.

Taking care of people in their times of need is something that has always been an "instinct" for me. I suppose that's why the emergency services fits me so well. And I do it as a volunteer, because I don't want material payment to do the right thing.

I like watching reality programmes about rescue helicopters, ambulance services, hospitals etc (because I'm interested in what people do for a living). I notice the rescued people are always very thankful to the people who were there to help them. Maybe the spirits are visiting to say thanks?

Sent from my ALE-L02 using Tapatalk

This puts me in mind of the stories my father and uncle used to tell about fighting in Vietnam. They saw many of their friends and enemy soldiers die. This formed a very strong bond among those who survived. My father often said that he remembered the deaths of each of his friends vividly and often was aware of their presence even many years after. My uncle told a story of a mortally wounded Viet Cong soldier whom they attempted to keep alive. He witnessed that man's departure, and said that at that time, he knew they were no longer enemies. Both my father and uncle often stated feeling a responsibility for these souls...

I like watching reality programmes about rescue helicopters, ambulance services, hospitals etc (because I'm interested in what people do for a living). I notice the rescued people are always very thankful to the people who were there to help them. Maybe the spirits are visiting to say thanks?

Sent from my ALE-L02 using Tapatalk

Many are very thankful for our response, even if it ends up just being a minor call. Sometimes a caring soul is the only medicine they need.

Still, there are other who are less appreciative. I mean, we're not trespassing or trying to bother anyone. They or another on their behalf called 911 for help. We just take it in stride and don't take it personal.

This puts me in mind of the stories my father and uncle used to tell about fighting in Vietnam. They saw many of their friends and enemy soldiers die. This formed a very strong bond among those who survived. My father often said that he remembered the deaths of each of his friends vividly and often was aware of their presence even many years after. My uncle told a story of a mortally wounded Viet Cong soldier whom they attempted to keep alive. He witnessed that man's departure, and said that at that time, he knew they were no longer enemies. Both my father and uncle often stated feeling a responsibility for these souls...

My father is a Vietnam veteran, too. But he would never tell stories of the war, just the few good times he had there, and I knew better than to ask. Part of him never made it home and is still fighting, if you know what I mean.

I had the privilege of visiting The Wall in Washington, DC as a child a few times. Once with Dad. His first time there, he went straight to his buddy's name, placed his hand on it, and fell apart. One of the three time I saw that man cry...still makes me tear up to remember it. The other two times were when my grandparents passed away.

Perhaps the reason he will not speak of those times is because he has had the same experience you describe and has chosen to shoulder that burden alone.

This thread made me remember something I hadn't thought about in years. I was 15 when my brother came home from Vietnam. I don't think he knew that he carried the spirits of a number of soldiers who had died. I could feel them. They eventually moved on.

Snow

It may be best to find somebody who can help you release them, they must move on...

I'm pretty certain it's the eyes that make the connection now. I had to deal with an unattended death two nights ago. The police department called us for assistance to help move him so they can continue their investigation. He had passed away several hours before. I didn't see his eyes, and I didn't see him when the lights were out.