Unhappy Long-Term Relationship

[Alura Noel]

Hey Aderyn,

I'm a bit curious, when you talk to him about it does he start getting upset? Or when you offer him help, does he react negatively or avoid the subject if he can?

Like Kassandra and YanaKhan have said, it seems like everyone has been in this type or relationship before at one point or another, myself included.

I was working and my boyfriend at the time wasn't. And for awhile that was okay because he said he would get a job. The whole time though all he would do was play video games, and while I was at work, he was on the computer chatting with other ladies. Obviously, I wasn't aware of that or I would have ended things much sooner. My family was getting interviews lined up for him and I was helping him with applications. He didn't seem to care and after a time, we started fighting about it. Every time I helped or suggested something he would get angry or say I was nagging him.

Looking back on it now, just because of how negatively he was acting about my family and I trying to help him, I should have left immediately. He really didn't plan on getting a job and got annoyed with me because I kept asking about it, instead of leaving him alone to do whatever he wanted. I know that may not be going on in your relationship, but I think his attitude about it all is good to take note of.

[Aderyn]

Hey Aderyn,

I'm a bit curious, when you talk to him about it does he start getting upset? Or when you offer him help, does he react negatively or avoid the subject if he can?

Hello Alura Noel!

Usually he gets upset; it isn't always a big argument, but he often feels that I don't appreciate the housework or other chores he gets done (on the day he does get things done) rather than trying to get employment (or unemployment benefits.) As I've said in my previous posts, he has always had a hard time completing tasks and often gets distracted by facebook, tumblr, etc. In the past, he felt that I was micromanaging him (reminding him of due dates, showing him when new jobs were available, things of that nature), so I worked on backing off and letting him handle his own to-do list with no avail. He's a great person, just romantically I feel that we don't see the world the same way anymore. As Random417 described, I understand how he feels but it's just really exhausting, especially for the length this has been happening.

Thank you for your reply! I look forward to your response.

[Aderyn]

By the way! Nice hummingbird avatar. !

[Echo_of_shadows]

Have you thought about seeking help from an outside party? Maybe the both of you could talk together with someone who knows the both of you but is capable of being neutral. Maybe there is a couples' counselor in your area that works with unmarried couples. A clergy person may be able to help, even if you don't subscribe to their particular religion.
If you're both willing to work on improving your relationship, then it will be worth it to pursue help in any form. But the key here is that both of you have to be willing to work things out. It's like addiction, a person has to be willing to make the change in themselves. If there is no will, then a person is just giving lip service.
I'm not trying to be a downer, as this may not be your case, but beware of people swearing to change, but making no attempts to. My ex was always saying that he's quite doing things that were bad for his health: drinking pop, smoking, not taking his insulin shots. I would tell him "Even if you don't quite for me, do it for your kids. My dad died when I was ten, because he didn't take care of himself. Please don't do that to your kids." Eventually I realized that our relationship compared to beating a dead horse. Nothing really changed in the three years that we were together.
If he is unwilling to work things out, but you are, Sweetheart, it may be best to move on. But, do what your heart says is best.

[Aderyn]

Have you thought about seeking help from an outside party? Maybe the both of you could talk together with someone who knows the both of you but is capable of being neutral. Maybe there is a couples' counselor in your area that works with unmarried couples. A clergy person may be able to help, even if you don't subscribe to their particular religion.
...
If he is unwilling to work things out, but you are, Sweetheart, it may be best to move on. But, do what your heart says is best.

We have tried some therapy and truth be told I feel that is what brought a lot of this to light. Sometimes I feel our relationship is this awful cycle, and I don't want us to be stuck in this rut for another year.

Thank you for your response, Echo!

[Aderyn]

Just a small update. We have been talking and trying to work things out but our relationship is very tender and delicate right now. I'm not sure our path currently, but I truly appreciate your support and feedback.

[random417]

I wish you guys luck. Whichever way it goes, it sounds like you at least are committed to working hard at it. That's all too rare these days.

Luck, light, and wisdom to you both

[Aderyn]

Thank you, Random417. One day at a time right now.

[WillowMoon]

It sounds as though you've answered your own question with the last paragraph Break free and go where your heart decides to go. I know its hard, but eventually time is a great healer. And you'll be on the path to finding someone or something new with someone who truly credits you for whom you are and the amount of effort you put in daily. When a relationship turns toxic its perhaps wiser to get out while you can as opposed to it dragging onwards and no hope of going upwards until after the decision of wanting to leave has been made. Best of luck to you though with what you decide to do. Those are just my thoughts after personally being stuck in a relationship along similar lines myself.

[Aderyn]

Best of luck to you though with what you decide to do. Those are just my thoughts after personally being stuck in a relationship along similar lines myself.

Thank you WillowMoon. We have acknowledged our problems and we're just going day by day right now. The thing I'm struggling the most with is that I feel that the universe is giving me multiple signs, saying it's time to move on. It's really hard to initiate a break up, or try to get him to understand where I'm coming from, but I'm doing the best I can to move forward and let this relationship take its next steps. He isn't a spiritual person, so it's hard to have conversations about this without him getting upset or misunderstanding my words. A close friend of mine once told me that we have multiple soul mates for different times in our lives, and I feel that for my current relationship that it has run its course for this time in my life.

[ness]

It isn't the fear of being alone, part of me just feels like I would be abandoning him. Without me, he doesn't have a roof over his head, income for food, things like that. Maybe a move from relationship to roommates would be better suited? I do care about him, but I feel that I have been pushed to my limits for awhile now.

Hi Aderyn, I sort of understand both of your perspectives in this case. But, if you have been providing and taking care of him for 2 yrs, that is a long time! And after a certain point, you become an enabler of his habits, than help him out of his. Some times our loved ones need tough love. It's hard but we might have no choice.

Few suggestions -
1) You can sign him up for some class that is relevant to what he used to do. There are classes provided at community colleges that aren't very expense. Its typically 6-8 week classes. Maybe getting him back to work mode is what he needs. Once he is out with others, he might actually feel better about his capabilities.

2) Write him a letter about how you feel about carrying the burden for two and how that is making you tired and how you want some help from him as partner. Don't complain about how he is not doing things, just focus on future and how you would like it to be both of you. Maybe how you miss the relationship you had and that you believe that he is capable and you beleive in him even if he has lost his ways. I always recommend letters when people are in this state of relationship where all verbal communication channels are closed. Leave the letter and if you can go away to your friends for a weekend or possible for a week. That will give you both some time to ponder. A little break from each other might do you both good to rejuvenate. Sometimes you have to step back and look at the big picture to help you understand what needs to be done.

Good luck. Its hard! Hang in there...

[ness]

A close friend of mine once told me that we have multiple soul mates for different times in our lives, and I feel that for my current relationship that it has run its course for this time in my life.

This is very true! I know this first hand. I was in one of the most soul satisfying relationship once. I have never loved anyone that way. We helped each other through many things and we put each other though many things as well. But when it ended, I knew exactly that our purpose in each other's life was over... that the relationship had ran its course But, it has a time... and when that time came, I was no longer afraid that it was time to go different paths. Only you will know for sure if that time has come. Listen to your heart and your instincts.

[Aderyn]

Thank you Ness for your insight! I really like the letter idea. It gives me a chance to see my words on paper and really think about how it's coming across.

But when it ended, I knew exactly that our purpose in each other's life was over... that the relationship had ran its course But, it has a time... and when that time came, I was no longer afraid that it was time to go different paths. Only you will know for sure if that time has come. Listen to your heart and your instincts.

That's where I feel I am at, currently. We haven't talked about it in a few weeks, and every day I just feel this push. I just don't know what else to say. But as I mentioned, I like your letter idea.

An old flame contacted me a few days ago (what a coincidence...). He had no reason to email me, our last involvement with each other ended up in a disagreement and frustration. This is the first time we've talked in about a year, our friendship has been off and on due to disagreements. A lot can change in a year, so I'm curious if this is something I should pursue (not romantically, even trying to be friends again). If/when things end in my current relationship, I have no intention of rushing into another. I truly want to heal and focus on my spiritual path for a while, but it's curious to me that he just so happened to contact me at this time.

[ness]

An old flame contacted me a few days ago (what a coincidence...). He had no reason to email me, our last involvement with each other ended up in a disagreement and frustration. This is the first time we've talked in about a year, our friendship has been off and on due to disagreements. A lot can change in a year, so I'm curious if this is something I should pursue (not romantically, even trying to be friends again). If/when things end in my current relationship, I have no intention of rushing into another. I truly want to heal and focus on my spiritual path for a while, but it's curious to me that he just so happened to contact me at this time.

Old flames always get in the way! Just kidding...
I think this old flame might have just come to you during this time to shed more light on how you feel in your current relationship. Maybe in a way for you to surely know if you are ready to move on. I don't think the old flame itself has any meaning in your life. I don't know for what reason this person contacted you, but now you have two relationships infront of you to understand what you don't want in a relationship and what you want in your relationship.

[Aderyn]

Old flames always get in the way! Just kidding...
I think this old flame might have just come to you during this time to shed more light on how you feel in your current relationship. Maybe in a way for you to surely know if you are ready to move on. I don't think the old flame itself has any meaning in your life. I don't know for what reason this person contacted you, but now you have two relationships infront of you to understand what you don't want in a relationship and what you want in your relationship.

Hahah! They do! They always do.

That is some beautiful insight. Thank you so much. It's just a difficult situation and I know it won't be easy. I'm just trying to do some soul searching and decide what I really need right now.