Spiritual Development After Leaving an Abuser

[lithe_forager]

TRIGGER WARNING: DOMESTIC VIOLENCE- PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE

so sorry in advance, I'm not sure where to put this or where i should go to get my questions answered. My problems are very specific and this is a shot in the dark. I'm just learning how to use forums. i'm sort of a candle living in an electric world, I am also not good at grammar or punctuation. sadly, i didn't finish much schooling. and this may be instance where i go to a reader or even a counselor? someone else? not sure because i am very solitary in my practices and have never been to a reader and I am now just starting to open up about my practices that i have been doing for almost 2 years now. if so, it's cool to tell me so its very long and personal and i'm so sorry i'm just very scared and need help. here goes

I have been practicing solitary witchcraft for almost two years now, and it started after getting out of a physically abusive relationship. the way i got started and my spiritual practice is extremely personal and through witchcraft i felt like i could put my overactive energy somewhere for good and eventually felt like i had my own power and such. through my experiences i have been practicing with dream work and past life regression. i have come to a standstill, because i am now facing some serious PTSD from what happened in my relationship of almost two years ago. i had a panic attack (my first one in a long time) from a flashback the other day. (its really upsetting because holloween is my favorite holiday, but i cant watch some movies and i have to IMBD everything because of triggers, its pretty bad when horror movies are just too real)

Anyways, also things that have been happening this same week.... someone is trying very hard to connect with me i'm not sure who...could be a spirit guide, ancestor, goddess? I have been getting closer to artio, the bear goddess, but only through dreams and meditations and the like. I am curious if you can set up boundaries with other worldly communicating? this is why i have not communicated as much back, because of my past. i want help but, am afraid of communicating. I am scared of hearing voices, the nature of my abuse stemmed from starting off being emotional then became physical. my ex boyfriend did practice something? i'm not sure what? i know his family were sort of Santeria? I was not into spirituality when we were together but was aware of my own energies, because he seemed to intentionally messed with them, putting something troubling in me (or at least what it felt like)..sometimes i feel like he was not very "human" at all. he abused drugs (weed, booze and grew and sold mushrooms) and got me into smoking pot everyday more than once a day for about 6 months, which also was problematic upon leaving.

I did get the courage to leave after the physical stuff started and i was so scared and anxious that i couldn't hold down jobs anymore. I had a mental breakdown and he convinced me that i was just crazy and everything was fine. i heard his voice in my head all the time. i thought he was watching me and i was afraid to leave my parents house because he would happen to be in the area. I went through depersonalization because of cleansing myself of marijuana abuse. and I am still ashamed to say that it took me three months to really figure out that i was not the crazy one, that i had been through something not my fault. During my year of recovery, i relapsed many times having attacks because he showed up in my dreams, or using weed to deal with my problems. even after all this time, i dont remember all the physical abuse he put me through (i guess i blocked them out?), until they come back to me in flashbacks.

I have grown and gotten better since my leaving him of February 2013. I got a new boyfriend who I've been with for almost a year, who I've known since i was 18 (am now 24) and who helps and supports me to be independent and strong. I have held down many jobs from waitressing, training others/working with horses, tea shop clerk and now i am at a health food store. I have moved across the country to have a new start and pursue opportunities in Austin, TX. I have opened my eyes and healed through putting intentions out to the universe, working with crystals, herbs, returning to nature. I have found peace, strength and confidence in my practices. I have never used my practices to curse or hex anyone, only to better myself. I have had people (i think maybe ancestors) coming to me in dreams and comforting me, also friends who have passed away, and have reconnecting with them in the dream world has been amazing. My spells have been helping me feel comfortable and safe in my new home and helping me find the strength to continue to heal.

so this is my predicament. can my abusive ex still have some kind of psychic control over me? I still have fears he is going to try and contact me. Can I set boundaries with the spirit world so that they can only contact me in dreams and not talk to me in waking life? (i've heard that's what happens, that they speak to you in waking life). I still have some healing to do and think that if i heard voices it might send me into panic attack mode, especially male voices. Also I did a past life regression meditation and feel like some of the trauma from that life is dripping into my trauma and my personal advancement. I don't know how to heal it and whats the next step if i recognize it. I also have this eventual goal of going to massage therapy school and getting a license specifically for doing healing touch massage on survivors of domestic abuse and cancer patients. I want to continue to get better and help others.

what also led to my recent panic attack was my talking to my friend back in virginia and what actions to take when living in the same city of your abuser/rapist, and how to deal with them showing up at the same events, restaurants and what have you. I didn't know what to say, because i left the city and my friends to go back home and rebuild myself, then left for another city entirely. sometimes i feel like i do need therapy or counseling....but because of the nature of my spiritual practices, i think it would be dangerous to go to someone who is more conservative. My boyfriend has helped me a lot with general healing with my past, but is not a spiritual person. he respects my spiritual practices and rituals, but I haven't talked to him about these issues because he is not very knowledgeable about spiritual practices and i don't want to scare him, either. I am weary of Women abuse facilities, because some are run by the state or can be religious --part of my abuse was being told that i was crazy and i should probably be taken to a facility, this is why i think it would be dangerous to tell my spiritual predicament to a therapist. can you or someone else you can refer me to help me put all the puzzle pieces together for my next plan of action.

good gravy that felt so good to get off my chest. again sorry its so long.

[Xiao Rong]

Hi Lithe, I know this is Kassandra's forum, but I'm going to butt in here a little bit about a few of your points ... First of all, thanks for sharing. What you wrote was honest and very brave; I'm happy that you're in a better place now, and sending you positive energy for continued healing. I am not personally very knowledgeable about the spirit world, but I just want to mention a couple of things ...

i have come to a standstill, because i am now facing some serious PTSD from what happened in my relationship of almost two years ago. i had a panic attack (my first one in a long time) from a flashback the other day. (its really upsetting because halloween is my favorite holiday, but i cant watch some movies and i have to IMBD everything because of triggers, its pretty bad when horror movies are just too real)

If you're interested, I would recommend practicing grounding and centering. The kinds of trauma that you experienced have a tendency to send you into flashbacks, or make you dissociate from your body. It's in many ways a physiological reaction -- your body associates certain stimuli, like horror movies, with a fight-or-flight response, which may have been an adaptive strategy when you were still in a dangerous relationship, but is no longer helpful. Grounding and centering are exercises that help anchor you in the present moment, which can help you retrain your body (to make new associations, if you will) to recognize that you are in a safe environment and to help make the appropriate emotional/physical response (e.g. recognizing that a horror movie is not real and shouldn't trigger a flashback). These exercises can range from deep breathing exercises, to naming 5 details about your immediate environment (e.g. what color are the walls? What can I smell?), to visualizing something that comforts you (e.g. imagining the feeling of a warm cup of tea in your hands). I feel like witchcraft is really helpful for things like this, since meditation and visualization are already important parts of a witch's toolkit.

sometimes i feel like i do need therapy or counseling....but because of the nature of my spiritual practices, i think it would be dangerous to go to someone who is more conservative ... I am weary of Women abuse facilities, because some are run by the state and can be religious. Part of my abuse was being told that i was crazy and i should probably be taken to a facility, this is why i think it would be dangerous to tell my spiritual predicament to a therapist.

Just speaking as someone who volunteers with a domestic violence organization (albeit in New Hampshire), we typically teach and work with the Empowerment Model, which is all about meeting a survivor where they're at, and letting them make all the decisions for their own lives. We believe that abuse takes away power, so our job is to give it back. No domestic violence organization worth its salt will try to push a religion on to you or tell you that you're crazy for your spiritual beliefs (we are quite cognizant that this is quite similar to emotional abuse). I grew up in Virginia, so I can understand your apprehension in finding an organization that will be understanding of your spiritual path ... You can probably test the waters, if you want, by making a single appointment or calling their hotline and asking if they are run by a religion. But I think you'll find that most organizations you contact will just be happy that you called them, and might even be able to put you in touch with a therapist who has had experience with Pagan clients.

Again, love and light to you, Lithe! And if you'd like to PM me, please feel free.

[lithe_forager]

thank you. i really appreciate it. i get all worked up talking about it. that's why i definitely think i need some more help and therapy or what have you. yeah i'm in texas now and haven't been here very long, but knows its very conservative. it pisses me off because i was having reproductive issues (really bad periods, ovarian cysts) and they told me they had to use the trans vaginal sonogram when getting it checked out, that robot cock looking thing to do a sonogram on my ovaries and to check if i was pregnant and i was pretty upset that i could not use other sonogram technology,that i know i am aware about! because it was highly intrusive and uncomfortable concerning my past problems and i found out its a law that you have to have that procedure if you want an abortion and rape survivors have to use it. its beyond unsettling how institutionalized programs treat women sometimes when there are simple and easy alternatives that consider the patients' circumstances.

i will try those grounding techniques. i dont think i have done those before, usually when i have panic attacks i just let it all out because i feel like it is emotions that i have been neglecting, ignoring, or storing away and i need to express them. thats another issue i have. expressing painful emotions. i am having problems right now, though, with being alone. i have one friend here who is somewhat aware and understanding of my spiritual path and i will probably go to her for awhile. i already asked her to accompany me to a women's center once i find one in my area. so i am on my way to healing. its just waiting and being patient is the hardest part. thank you for your experience and kind words, i am extremely grateful to have found this forum. being in a new city is tough and I definitely need some support. thank you! <3 <3

[Kassandra]

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Hi lithe_forager. I'm glad writing your OP (original post) lifted a heavy burden off your spirit and helped you feel a lot better. I know over time other members will chime in on this thread, as Xiao has, with their suggestions, shared experiences, or just general comments regarding your experiences and your dilemmas. Give it time.

I don't know. From what I've read, to me you seem to be a very well-adjusted and self-aware individual. I would say you are compassionate too, because one of your life goals is to help others.

I mean, I just love this:

I have grown and gotten better since my leaving him of February 2013. I got a new boyfriend who I've been with for almost a year, who I've known since i was 18 (am now 24) and who helps and supports me to be independent and strong. I have held down many jobs from waitressing, training others/working with horses, tea shop clerk and now i am at a health food store. I have moved across the country to have a new start and pursue opportunities in Austin, TX. I have opened my eyes and healed through putting intentions out to the universe, working with crystals, herbs, returning to nature. I have found peace, strength and confidence in my practices. I have never used my practices to curse or hex anyone, only to better myself. I have had people (i think maybe ancestors) coming to me in dreams and comforting me, also friends who have passed away, and have reconnecting with them in the dream world has been amazing. My spells have been helping me feel comfortable and safe in my new home and helping me find the strength to continue to heal.

I want to say, "you go girl!" lol. I think one of your biggest strengths is that you seem to be quite action-oriented. In my opinion at least, you took all the right actions in response to your abusive relationship. I hope others reading your story, who may find themselves in similar circumstances, are inspired by what you've been through --and most importantly-- are inspired by the courage it took to take the steps you pro-actively took to resolve your problems. That isn't easy, and everyone's situation isn't the same. And, this is a message not just to female abuse victims, but to male abuse victims, too. Many men in abusive relationships are ashamed to talk about it and suffer in silence. While they don't get pregnant and such, great harm is still done to their bodies and minds which can linger on for years, manifesting in a number of very unhealthy ways, until they choose to resolve it, if ever.

But, let's look at some of the payoffs that the gamble you took in leaving and seeking help have brought to your life:

~ Payoff 1: You've found a new, healthy relationship with a supportive person ~
Meh, so what he's not pagan. Sometimes, when our mates are not "into" the same things we're into, it's a good thing, trust me! They provide the grounded environment we need, enabling us to bring our gifts to the world. Case in point: the famous medium, Allison Dubois (on whose life the now-defunct TV show, Medium, is based) has a supportive husband, Joe, who is an engineer who knows nothing about psychic stuff. Yet, he provides a warm, supportive home for Allison so she isn't worried about material things, and could focus on her spiritual work.

~ Payoff 2: You've had the freedom to work interesting jobs ~
I would love to work with horses or work in a health food store, how interesting. You're learning more about the world, and your interaction with the world, by taking on the variety of jobs you have worked. And they've all had some kind of "helping others" aspect to them, which means you're probably a natural. By working, you're learning what you want to do, and don't want to do, with your life. This sort of self-knowledge will go a long way in the future toward your not getting into relationships with abusive people again. Abusers often target people who don't "know" themselves, who don't understand boundaries and thus haven't learned to set good ones, and therefore are vulnerable to listening to --and believing-- everything the abusers tell them. Low self-esteem sometimes subconsciously makes them put their abusers on pedestals ("he knows what I should do with my life so much better than I ever could," etc.). So, getting to know yourself and the world around you on your terms through work or school is a great inoculation against abusive people you're bound to meet in the future (unfortunately, like other nasty germs, abusive people are also unavoidable; but, we can take precautions against letting them into our lives and making us sick, hehe)

wabi sabi.jpg (37.56 KiB) Viewed 4106 times

Perhaps the suffering you went through will
give you a more compassionate view of others
going through the same thing, and help you be-
come a great healer one day.



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[Xiao Rong]

it pisses me off because i was having reproductive issues (really bad periods, ovarian cysts) and they told me they had to use the trans vaginal sonogram when getting it checked out, that robot cock looking thing to do a sonogram on my ovaries and to check if i was pregnant and i was pretty upset that i could not use other sonogram technology,that i know i am aware about! because it was highly intrusive and uncomfortable concerning my past problems and i found out its a law that you have to have that procedure if you want an abortion and rape survivors have to use it. its beyond unsettling how institutionalized programs treat women sometimes when there are simple and easy alternatives that consider the patients' circumstances.

I hope that those lawmakers (who are all invariably old dudes who care way too much about what happens in a woman's womb -- who else would think that state-sponsored rape is a good idea?!?!) step on Legos every day for the rest of their lives. (yeah -- few things get me more pissed that crap like this)

i will try those grounding techniques. i dont think i have done those before, usually when i have panic attacks i just let it all out because i feel like it is emotions that i have been neglecting, ignoring, or storing away and i need to express them. thats another issue i have. expressing painful emotions. i am having problems right now, though, with being alone. i have one friend here who is somewhat aware and understanding of my spiritual path and i will probably go to her for awhile. i already asked her to accompany me to a women's center once i find one in my area. so i am on my way to healing. its just waiting and being patient is the hardest part. thank you for your experience and kind words, i am extremely grateful to have found this forum. being in a new city is tough and I definitely need some support. thank you! <3 <3

Glad to be of help! I'm glad you've got people who are supportive of you where you are -- and we're here for you, Lithe!

[SnowCat]

PTSD is one of the most disabling things that I have ever had to deal with. It makes no sense to me that a state law mandates an uncomfortable and intrusive procedure for certain things. If the technician did not allow you to place the instrument yourself, that's assault. Ultrasound technicians are not doctors or nurses, and are not trained in properly placing invasive instruments. Guiding the wand to obtain the necessary information is different. It's already there. The Patient Bill of Rights also gives you the right to refuse treatment that you are uncomfortable with.

As far as therapy and counseling are concerned, Federal law prohibits discrimination against a patient because of their religion. Any licensed therapist or counselor you see is required by law to treat you the same way that he/she would treat someone who shares their beliefs. Your beliefs and spirituality are are essential aspects of your treatment. The therapist or counselor is legally obliged to devise a treatment plan that honors and incorporates your beliefs.

As far as flashbacks, I just have to keep telling myself that the incident is in the past. It isn't happening right now. I can get through it. Pm me if you need to.

Snow

[lithe_forager]

update, i am feeling better, stronger, and more thankful since my panic attack. i did all the right things after it happening. which was calling friends, staying busy and thinking about goals. i realized some things about myself and the things that did happen leading up to this point and i understand that its my body testing out the waters. i realized i havent really gone into depth with anyone but my boyfriend and my mom about things that happened and i feel better reaching out to people and talking about it. i still feel a dark presence around me that i am afraid is residual ex boyfriend stuff. or it could be me facing my shadow, but whoever who was trying to contact me (who i think is a good presence) has left me to my thoughts for the moment and has been respectful.

i have been finding peace grounding myself. i contacted a very close friend of mine who is pursuing shamanic healing and she is going to be helping me with some banishing spells and protection spells. since my panic attack i have been feeling energies a lot stronger, which is a good and bad thing, but i am practicing surrounding myself and those i love with a loving white light. i got through my sadness fairly quick because of all the measures i took and am feeling more comfortable and confident than ever. thank you everyone for helping me feel not so alone. i am still super sensitive to everything, but am finding strength in it!

[Nightwatcher]

I'm glad it's getting better. ^-^ I can only offer this word of encouragement; the fact that you realized what he was doing to you, that you left on your own, that you're doing your darndest to heal and become strong.. to me, that is THE ultimate proof that you are a fighter and strong. So NEVER doubt your strength; just you breathing after everything is your ultimate proof.