Husband and being wiccan

[ChildoftheWolf16]

Hey there! I just signed up for this site so I could find some support. I have been wiccan on and off since 12 years old. Now in my mid 20s. Well right before my husband and I met, I was wiccan and he was Christian. Neither of us had a problem with the other. Well, fast forward, somehow we're both atheists. But I've been slowly moving my path back to wicca. There's just something that keeps dragging me back. I want to practice openly. But he straight up told me if I did my "magic" again he would make fun of me. In all honesty, I think he's scared. I think there's some part of him that believes it's real. Because I've been going to crystal shops with him just to get crystals. But I also admire their wicca sections. And he'll say, "nope. You're not into that anymore." Then we got to our grocery store and I said there's plenty of pagan/wiccan parents, we have two children. and he said, "well not us". I know he believes something. He's always watching YouTube videos of "creepy/ghost happenings". I really think he's scared of witchcraft. Even though I've done nothing remotely evil before. I don't know what to do, honestly. If I try to talk to him he will either throw it down or say he'd make fun of me for it. Yet he was all about reading books on spirit animals.... any advice?
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[Aesiryth]

Well, I think he's scared too. Personally, I think that you should just tell him to man up. He, husband or not, really has no right to tell you what you can and can't worship for a religion. He may not like it, but if you feel called or pulled towards something I give my strongest suggestion to follow it. We are destined for something, good or bad, and if we don't follow it or try to pull away it can screw a lot up. Just my thoughts though

-Aesiryth

[Blackthorn]

Tell him to stop being so controlling and let you live your own life with your own agency?

That is my kneejerk response, since I don't know you or your husband. But if he doesn't want you practicing your craft because he is scared, he needs to get over himself and learn how to support you and your interests. If anyone tried to tell me, "If you do your magic again I'm gonna make fun of you!!" I would laugh in their face. Why does he feel it is appropriate for him to tell you what you are or aren't interested in? Only you have the right to determine what you're interested in. If he doesn't want to support you, that's his prerogative, but he has no right to make you feel bad about it.

I know you said that you've already tried talking to him and he isn't very receptive. But I honestly feel the best solution here is communication. If he doesn't listen to you and won't let you talk- then that's a deeper problem that you should explore. Again, I don't know you two, and my opinion is clearly coloured by my own experiences and I won't pretend that I'm coming from an objective place here, but maybe you should try talking to him again. If you sought out this forum, it seems like this is important to you. If it's important to you, it should be important to him, too. Not in such a way that he should be enthusiastically practicing alongside you, but he should feel, "this is important to my wife so I am going to support her and not make fun of her until she feels bad." Don't let him talk over you, or make fun of you, or dismiss you out of hand, or whatever it is he does that "throws it down" when you try to communicate with him. Approach him in a position of power, tell him, "this is important to me, and you will listen to me, and you won't interrupt me until I'm done talking." Maybe he thinks this is just a fanciful interest for you that he doesn't feel like "entertaining"- tell him to swallow his preconceived notions and listen to you. And when he's ready to listen to you, and stops dismissing you, explain to him what witchcraft actually is.

[lavenderweave]

People make fun of what they don't understand. And as everyone above has said, something (similar) may have been calling to him or sounds interesting, and again it's the whole fear of the unknown thing .He's acting rather childish with the "you do that and I'll make fun of you" act. If possible sit down and talk with him about how it's hurting your feelings with it. Either way he needs to deal with it.

[ChildoftheWolf16]

I just told him that he can't tell me what I can and can't believe. And that if he made fun if me for what I do believe, he's not a very supportive husband.

[Vesca]

Sorry, novel incoming:

Whenever I hear relationship issues, I'm always a little wary to provide more of my own take on situations and possible solutions because unless you're one of the people in the relationship you can never know the whole picture (or at least, most of the whole picture).

Clearly in the past you two were drawn together despite your spiritual differences, and a relationship will change and evolve with time, normal human aging and development processes (you develop mentally throughout your entire life), stressors and responsibilities like kids, jobs, and other daily things, etc... A relationship needs to be allowed to develop and evolve along with those changes. It's part of being an adult, it's part of holding together a family unit, and its part of growing alongside someone else.

Naturally, communication is a crucial thing. I would say that communication without the judging or aggression is best, but even I can't follow that ideal 100% of the time (because sometimes guys are just special...).

Best case scenario, instead of becoming defensive or angry, pick a time when you two can talk openly and calmly about the whole thing. Tell him how you're feeling (don't talk about his behavior). Tell him how you're feeling hurt and suppressed because you're unable to research and practice openly in your own home. Tell him what parts are drawing your attention just now, that you aren't entirely sure you want to run into the full coven rituals right now but you would like to start doing some solitary work and that you want to be free to do that. Just give him a better picture overall about what it is you're interested in now, and if he's open to the idea - maybe give him a few F.A.Q.'s on the basics of what it is you're interested in (the wheel of the year, crystals, etc...).

Talk to him about his openness to the idea of bringing your children into some of your practices (even if it's just telling them stories) - and be understanding if he is unwilling to expose them to any form of belief system until they are old enough to make their own decisions. When it comes to kids, it's a joint decision and you both need to be willing to compromise.

The more he understands, the more likely he is to mull it over in a genuine manner later. Don't expect a positive response immediately, just ask him to think about it for awhile and maybe keep your practices subtle for a bit to give him that space too.

Marriage is a hard thing. I can sit here on my soap box and say that all marriage issues can be resolved with communication, but from my experience that simply isn't entirely possible at times. You can try, it's not always well received, and everyone has their bad habits and becomes defensive with certain parts of their life. It's a journey, and it's hard work, and if it wasn't worthwhile then nobody would do it and continue through the tough parts. But the bottom line is that if you stop respecting each other, BOTH parties need to have that respect for each other, then that bond is really in trouble. As long as you're both willing to work through the wrinkles that come up, then just give it time and room to breathe and talk things through to the best of your ability. It's all we can humanely do.

[ChildoftheWolf16]

We spoke about it more and he said he would support me. He said he is just worried about changing. He didn't want me to find someone of the religion. That he was scared to lose me. But, he said he might even give it a try.

[Vesca]

Glad you've come to an understanding.

[Xiao Rong]

That's great, ChildoftheWolf! I'm glad that you could get to the deeper root of the problem and sort it out.

[Chalice]

We spoke about it more and he said he would support me. He said he is just worried about changing. He didn't want me to find someone of the religion. That he was scared to lose me. But, he said he might even give it a try.

I think you sorted it out.

Part of being yourself is not tolerating abuse from your spouse. You decide what level you are happy with.

This not a male/female thing either, I as a male will put my foot down and not tolerate physical or emotional abuse from my wife even if it's little outbursts.

[ChildoftheWolf16]

I think my.husband is still having problems with it because we are going to a beltane celebration tomorrow at.our local park, and I told him about the maypole dance. Then I read over the description again and it said we will be doing a ritual circle, and he was like why? What's the point? It's just like praying there will be no outcome. I didn't say anything back but he said, "well I guess there's two things I won't be participating in tomorrow. I thought there would only be one."

[YanaKhan]

Some people don't do change very well. Me, being one, I can tell it's scary, it's always happening too fast, it's something you can't control. And if your husband is anything like me (which is a sort of control freak), he might be feeling everything is out of his control and because of this, VERY - NOT - GOOD!
I know that when you achieve something you wanted for a long time, you want to just live it all, right this second, you are excited and all, just try to remember he agreed to support you and is doing exactly that. He'll come around. Just maybe, you don't get involved in the ritual circle. Maybe just go watch (if that's an option). There will be many many celebrations you can join later. Don't push him. You know how bad this is - he did exactly that, pushed you to not to be Wiccan.
Good luck.

[crescent]

Are you wanting him to share some of your views/lifestyle, or for him merely to accept and support that you are no longer atheist with him? He does actually sound supportive in action (going to festivals, shops) although it contradicts what he's saying verbally. No excuse should be made for belittling your choices. I don't even try to assume, but often people are resistant to change for reasons that have to do with them more than you. He may not yet be seeing how you need to change, but shifting his focus (naturally) on how HIS life will change because of it, and the lives of your children. My own husband participates with me, but there's no need to, and would never force him. It'd be like taking a part of who I love away, just to make him more like me. I don't think he should be taking a part of you away, if you are feeling unsupported or silenced.

[Blackthorn]

He might have to take baby steps- I think it's great he was receptive to you trying to communicate with him about this, considering he was very stand-offish not too long ago. He's made a lot of progress in a short amount of time. I understand if he feels a bit overwhelmed by the thought of joining in a ritual. I'm actually really happy to hear the progress he's made since your opening post.

[Thistle]

I'm glad he's coming around. People change, beliefs change. It's been 9 years since I met my bf, and he's basically stayed agnostic. I started out Christian then slowly became Pagan. He occasionally makes jokes but that's just who he is. He's fully supportive though. Hopefully your husband continues to be more supportive.