Gah, what a mess.

[Elem]

So, I'm sitting here. It's 4:40am, yet again. It's below 0 degrees Celcius outside, and I'm freezing my nads off attempting to write something. Yet again.

First off, I'm going to have to apologise if this post doesn't make a great deal of sense. I know - I disappear for months, then reappear and post up some entirely random topic just to try and get my head straight.. I apologise for my selfishness, in doing so, since I've not been around to offer advice, guidance or even participate in any conversations here for some time - Yet come here hoping someone can help me all the same.

There's a distinct reason I've not been here, aside from the fact the my Internet is quite shoddy, I just can't trust myself any more. My mind's running rampant, thoughts all over the place. My insomnia is back, and worse than ever, I just can't sleep. When I try to get it under control and manage a decent night's sleep, it only makes my mind worse. I just.. Can't switch off, and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to be motivated about the work I'm supposed to be doing as of late.

I'm having flashbacks to previous times in my life, very vivid and very distinct. My memory's always been good in terms of remembering exactly how I experienced something (be it a place, feeling, information or otherwise) but I feel like I'm just getting.. For want of a better term.. Information overload, lately. My mind's tangled itself in knots, it's full up, and I'm being forced to remember times and places I've not thought about in years.

Apologies for lengthening this post further.. But I feel I have to explain, so that perhaps you can understand what I'm experiencing. I've not had a particularly pleasant life, in particular during my school life, and for a long time I was quite severely depressed. I never told anybody about it, although I think a few suspected, but didn't know the full extent of it. I never sought help, I just tried to cope with it on my own. After 5 years of worsening scenarios I just built up a barrier to it. I hardened to it, and learnt how to supress my inner emotions - How I really felt about something. I just shoved it all in a little box inside my head, locked it up, and forgot about it.

I spent 5 years being bullied, not just physically, but mentally. I harmed myself out of desperation, trying to get help. I asked so many times, and my parents / the teachers knew of the problems.. But no matter what my parents said, the teachers never truly rectified the problems or dealt with the bullies. It was just 'Okay, now shake hands', and they figured it was all over and fixed. It just shattered my self-confidence, and left me shy and stand-offish to others. I spent months of my life cowering away from everybody, skulking off and hiding somewhere because I knew that if I spent my lunch break in school I'd be laughed at. Free of all exageration, I quite literally had the whole school laughing at me on more than one occasion thanks to the acts of my bullies. I spent a long time 'online' during this time, as I felt safer there, and it was also during these times that I 'discovered' Paganism, although I never became serious about it for years. I was just some stupid kid, trying to find a way to protect himself from the people who hurt him. I sought refuge in talking to others who I felt shared the same kind of problems I had, and tried to help them. I met people and shared a great deal of emotions with them. I knew people who ended up dying from self-harm or suicide, because of what I believed to be my fault.. Since I wasn't good enough at helping them. I never shared these emotions to others in 'real life', just to others online, or to myself. It's scenarios like these that I'm reliving now. Every thought, every feeling, every emotion, every last sense. I can feel it all as if it were happening in the present.

Everything that happened during these 5 years lead to me changing who I was in time for moving on to college (We spend 5 years in high school here, then change and move to college). I spent 2 happy years there, largely without problems or worry, and became a more mature and happier person because of it. A bad relationship in the summer before University finished that, leaving me feeling terrible and easily swayed when I started University. I ended up depressed - Deep inside, but not letting people know, just putting on a happy face and being the 'typical student' like everybody else.. Despite hating it. Hating every moment of it, hating the kind of people I was socialising with, and hating what I was doing to my body through drink. I just let myself become completely out of touch with my inner emotions and carried on, for several months, before finally realising what I was doing and quitting University to return home and work. Once again, relying only on myself to fix my own problems. I trust my own mind, as far as this goes. It helped me deal with severe depression in the past, and taught me how to supress horrible emotions so I could just be me and get on with living my life.

I've since changed again. Trying to be the mature person, still, and trying to forget about how I acted back then. That was over two years ago, now, and during these two years I don't think I've ever been happier. I'm with a wonderful girl, I have wonderful friends and I'm enjoying my course and life. Yet, for some reason, my mind's decided to.. Confuse me. When I look within myself, I'm happy. Yet there's still some part of me that's full of all of these negative emotions. I still supress them, now. I'm always the happy one, the calm one, never angry. The only emotions I show are the positive ones, and what little negative ones I do show tend to barely scratch the surface of how I might truly feel inside. I'm in touch with that part of me, but I refuse to let it out.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting this. I most likely sound like a stark raving lunatic . I'm just feeling so very confused lately. I've never dealt with all the negative emotions I've bottled up over the years. They've just been sitting there, filling up, and now I feel like they're running rampant inside my mind and jumping out at me whenever they feel like it. Aside from this, I'm having great difficulty in drawing my thoughts together. My head's full of information, and I've always been able to just.. Grab it and form it into exactly the sentence, paragraph or other form I needed whenever I wanted. However, I feel like I can't do this now. All I get are disjointed bits. A sentence here, a half-paragraph there. I feel like I'm slowly losing control of my mind, and I don't like it. Almost like I've filled it to the brim, and the pressure's just built up too high.

I've been trying to write this message for days. Either here, or elsewhere, or to myself.. Or just write it down on paper.. Or just say it to someone. It seems quite pertinent to me that I end up writing it to a bunch of people scattered all around the world who don't really know me at all . I just need to know what I can do. Do I force myself to deal with it, like I always have? Deal with it on my own, with no help, and just supress it and carry on? I know that if I do I'll be fine in a day or two. I've had tiny samples of this feeling before, but ignored it. Or do I let it all out? I'm afraid to let it out. I don't talk about my inner feelings. I don't talk about my inner thoughts. Hell, not a single person in my life even knows I'm Pagan.. They all assume me to be the 'clever idiot with a lack of common sense who loves scientific stuff so would never be involved in any kind of religion'.

I'm just not sure I can do it. Even writing this is such a step for me. There's so much more inside I just can't get out. I feel like I can't trust my own mind to help me through it this time. I can't trust my own advice, because it's distorted and I don't understand it. I can't simply supress all of this and shove it back in that little box.. I don't want to, more importantly. I can't even clear my mind and focus, or visualise correctly - Something that's always been so natural to me I could do it without a second thought. I try to meditate, and I can't. I try to sleep, and my mind's going at a million miles an hour. I'm thinking about me, about others, about people I don't speak to any more, about people who're now dead, about emotions and experiences I've not thought about in years. Not only that, but all I can feel is absolute disgust, contempt, disdain and disappointment at the person I used to be. I look down on who I was - A sorry excuse for a kid, depressed and desperate. I don't like this.. I need to deal with my past, and come to accept who I was - Even if who I am today doesn't like that.

Dear god this post is long.. Sorry for that.. Haha. Okay.. In an attempt to try and regain my composure, I'm going to end this here. If anybody's managed to read through this.. Don't worry if you don't reply, or don't know what to say. It helps me that I'm even writing this, and posting it for others to see. If you don't manage to read all of this.. Then, again, don't worry. It's not my expectation that anyone'll manage to grind their way through what's ended up becoming a short autobiography of some of the negative experiences of my life haha. It just helps that I've written it..

Thank you - All of you.. Even those of you I don't know who're new .

A slightly confused and tired Elem.

(It's now 5:21am.. Youch. I'm up for 9.)

[Sobek]

your lost, you need to find yourself once you do that you can begin to heal. it sounds as though you've let your bad experiences glaze over your eyes, you need to be free before you can find your way, remaining lost and depressed etc. will affect more than you realise probably. it wont happen over night but go back to your roots, acknowledge all the crap, cry over it, scream about it if you must, then get over and move on otherwise it never ends.

[Eretik]

Exactly as Sobek says. I could have been reading about myself there. You need to acknowledge it all - and lose the 'it's my fault' guilt you have - survivors of all kinds get this,it's not uncommon. You had to be how you had to be, to get by and get through what happened to you. Now you are in a 'safe' place your mind is pulling it up for you, your mind or 'inner self' is telling you it's time to 'clear the decks' in preperation for the future. You should listen to it. You will not go under - you are stronger than you think. You can always come here and vent, you are with many like minded souls and it is good to talk with those you don't see face to face, sometimes, easier for the tough stuff, no one can tell if you are blushing or if you falter or stammer etc. Hope you feel better soon.Geri.

[Broadsword]

Let it out!!!!!!! All of it. You don't have to tell anyone anything, but you need to make peace with your past.

Have you tried writing it down as fiction? Maybe in third person.

It may help to remember that the part of you that thinks everything is "your fault" is your ego.

Luck to you

[Elem]

Thanks for your help and kind words, guys. I knew I'd only be told exactly what I needed to hear by the member of this forum - It's exactly why I love this place as much as I do.

I know exactly in my head what I have to do, and it's what you guys are saying. I like the idea of writing it down in fiction, Broadsword, but I haven't written in years. I could, if I tried, but unfortunately I have other pieces to be writing lately. I'm behind with University work, and need to catch up on that first. The idea does appeal to me, though, so I may revisit it afterwards . Thank you.

As for a more immediate solution that I can try now, to clear my head and let me get on with my work, I agree that I have to just let it out and do whatever. Be it scream, cry, or otherwise. I'm just afraid to do so, is all. It sounds ridiculous, but I feel I have an image to uphold - Not in the eyes of others, but in my own eyes. I see myself as a certain type of person, and I'd feel ashamed to break down and let myself get into all kinds of states about emotions I should've dealt with years ago. Not because I'd think others would think less of me.. But because I'd think less of myself. Like I say - It sounds ridiculous, ne?

To look at it from a third-person perspective.. I'd want to give myself a slap about the face and say 'Get over it. It's the past. Let it out and deal with it, then grow up and stop acting so stupidly'. It's the kind of mentality I have, and I've developed. Just stop worrying so much, get over it, and get on with living your life. I know exactly what I have to do - The only problem is doing it .

Thanks again guys. If anybody else has anything else to add, feel free. Just knowing that people have read this, and took the time to think up a reply, really does help.

Thank you,

A distinctly-less-confused-and-very-grateful Elem

[Sobek]

"and I'd feel ashamed to break down and let myself get into all kinds of states about emotions I should've dealt with years ago. Not because I'd think others would think less of me.. But because I'd think less of myself. Like I say - It sounds ridiculous, ne?"

breaking down isnt the hard part to that scenario, in fact it's the easiest, and even though you may think less of yourself for allowing it to happen. then think more highly of yourself or putting yourself back together, thats a much harder thing to accomplish.

[Sercee]

That's exactly right, Sobek. Everyone can go down, far fewer can get back up - or more accurately, will try to get back up. You're doing great!

[WolfWitch]

I actually understand exactly what your talking about and what you went through accept it wasn't the mass quantities of alchohol that where my abuse of choice. It was small white lines that I learned to chop oh so well fo my breakfast.

You are right. You can't put it back in the box. Once you let it out it actually can't ever fit again. The best thing is to just deal with what hits you as best you can when you can.

Yeah I know. That advice blows goats but it's as close to words as I can put my methodology.

Over the years, despite the damage done to my emotional well being and my social divelopement, I always have had one basic premice in me that has never went away. To date it is the one thing that I have promised myself that I have absolutly made 100% good on.

I swore to myself that I would never give up and never quit.

That's been a boon and a hinderance my entire life and will probobly continue to be so until I become one with the great whatever once more.

Look deep inside yourself. Down past the hurt, past the frustration. Take a good, long, deep look into yourself. The closer to your core you get, the more you will find that there is a strength in you. For me, I see it in my mind as a long steel rod burried in a foundation of marble.
That's your inner strength. No matter what, no matter how hard people try, how hard the humiliate or intimidate, NO ONE can take that strength away from you and no one can weaken it. It is absolute, it is solid and it is unmovable. All that you or anyone can do to it is strengthen it.
Every Bully that ever picked on me, every teacher that ignored my questions or my cries for help fueled my anger, my outrage. They lit the fires of my rage at the world around me, stoked the flames high and hot. Instead of letting those flames consume me, I forced myself to keep going, to use that hatred as a fuel to make me get up every morning and go back for more. I tried to kill myself at 13 only to discover that I couldn't physically do it because my will to simply "not give up ever" was far too strong to overide. My will and my drive had become a hammer and an anvil. I forged that steel in me. Every day I got up was another hammer blow. every breath I took beyond what the bullies did to me was one more turn in the forge. For almost thirty years, I've been forging this "cold stone and steel" within me. (I'm 34 this year and I started forging, knowingly or not in first grade.) I am still an emotional person, I care, I love, I hurt. But push me around or push me to my point and the steel shines through. I'm a Virgo. My wife is a Taurus through and through. Her dad is the worlds most textbook Sagitarius. Combined, they have broken against my will like waves against the shoreline. All it takes is rubbing me the wrong way.

Take a deep look at yourself. I think you'll find the same iron will just waiting to be forged into a steel resolve of unbreakable strength.

it just takes focus and a will to do.

Blessed be and good forging.

WW.

P.S. If you want, pm me and we can talk in more if you wish.

[GenevieveDawn]

Well, I'm not sure how much this will help, but I will tell you what has helped me. Not that long ago I felt like I was truly on the brink of insanity. I absolutely hated my life and really no longer cared if I lived or died. I was such a mess, that people were worried that I would have literal heat attack, a nervous breakdown, get in a wreck etc. and then what would happen to my 3 children.

Well, more then once I broke down and bawled my eyes out and I called on God the Goddesses closest to me, my spirit guides, my guardian angel, the archangels. I called on them all and begged for help. I felt a li ttle better, but still didn't get the answers I needed.

Then someone told me about the power of energy and affirmations, and yes being a witch, I know all of this, but I don't think I REALLY knew. I didn't realize the impact that all of my negative thoughts/actions perhaps had. Yes, many negative things happened to me that were not in my control, but I think my negative reactions fueled the fire even more. I truly began to realize that as a great friend of mine reminded me "all energy takes".

So I began doing affirmations EVERY single day. I would tell myself that I was happy, healthy, lucky, whatever. I would tell myself that I am at one with God, I am at peace, I give light and love and that I receive light and l love on and on. I was lying to myself, really I was, but I learned that that was ok at first. Everytime I had a negative thought I became more aware of it and tried to turn it around. You know what, I swear that it has helped. People wonder how with my life being the way it is, that I am not on antidepressants or anything, and I really think this is why.

My life scenario will only change so much so I HAD to do something, because I was becoming so dark and this was almost a matter of life and death to me.

Sorry this is so long, but I wanted to share with you what has helped me. You may be skeptical, as I was, but I was to the point where ANYTHING was worth a shot. This hasn't made my world super wonderful yet, but I am more accepting of things and overall (most days) have much more peace and hapiness.

Take care, Elem and if you want to ask me anymore, pm me.

BB
Gen

[thatguy]

Hi Elem, glad to see you back. I'm sorry to hear that you're having a rough go at things.

I know everyone knows this, but I'll say it anyways, perhaps it stands repeating: people bully others because inside they are immensely fearful and extraordinarily insecure. Lashing out at others, and injuring the spirit of others, temporarily makes them feel better, raises their confidence and helps them forget their problems and fears. This is very true, I know this because this is the reason I lash out at others; we all do this, even those who have been bullied. It's a behavior that comes naturally to us.

Although surely we posses empathy and compassion, I think we also fear and abhor weakness in others. I think we recognize this same weakness in ourselves and wish to stamp it out. We're afraid of it. By displaying weakness, a person can become a living representation of what we are revolted and repulsed by, due to our fear of our own inadequacies. Any person can be injured by circumstance and have their weakness exposed, and, once this happens, the fearful and insecure masses will descend on this person.

If you're on the receiving end of this mass revilement, your peers are essentially telling you that you're behaving so weakly that it disgusts them, they hate you for it, and they wish to stamp you out. I think your subconscious cannot help but to receive their message loudly and clearly, and unfortunately, since we're all more alike than we'd care to admit, agree with them.

We all have our own shortcomings. We can choose to confront these shortcoming within ourselves, and struggle with our inner disharmony in the hopes of reaching peace, or, we can distract ourselves by attacking the shortcomings in those around us. Ironically, by turning a coward's eye to their own inner weakness, those engaged in the latter behavior are also displaying weakness, and of course, it abhors the rest of us, and we're moved to revile them for it. The circle continues.

That's not really advice, just the thoughts that came to mind after reading your post. The only advice I have to offer is that I don't think it's important for you to put on a brave face, or a happy face, or any other kind of facade to the outside world. I think it's more important for you to seek out ways to become braver, and to become happier. Do things for you man, and stop worrying about how others see you. It's your life and you deserve to be happy, fulfilled, and at peace. Whatever you think is going to bring these things to you, I say go do it, whatever it is!

Anyways, it's good to see you back in the forum. I'm hoping to see some more of your interesting posts.

cheers,

T. Guy.

[jcrowfoot]

Elem: You are brave. You did the right thing.
Here's a suggestion: start a dairy. Or a blog. If this helps you, go forth and pour your heart out. It works.

The nice thing about writing this stuff is that you can go back and read it later. Then make more notes. You really learn the most about yourself when you write about it. And hey, check out iamwillwheaton.com. He got his second career by writing about his depression. But he bootstrapped his life though the blog, and now is a very cool person.

[Elem]

Damn my lousy Internet connection.. I've not been around for a while (again) since I posted this, mainly due to the connection but also due to work. I've finally finished for the year now in terms of work, so I'm just glad to once again have the chance to relax.

I feel I need it and deserve it, especially after writing a detailed 13,300 word marketing report in 20 hours..

I just wanted to finally drop back in here and say thank you to you guys - I don't want you thinking I'm ungrateful. You really helped me - all of you - and I appreciate it ever so much.

I got most of my feelings out to my girlfriend, who knew there was something wrong with me. Anything else, I've been able to just use as fuel to fire myself and keep on working. Thanks to your advice, I decided that I'd refuse to let the past make me feel inadequate or any less of a person than I am. I know what I'm capable of achieving, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let the crap I've had in the past pull me down and stop me from achieving it.

I think once I realised this and forced myself to come to terms with the past, my head just.. 'sorted' itself out, if you will. Everything's clicking into place again and I feel good about myself, about life and about my state of mind.

Thank you once again, guys. Your advice helped me keep a clear mind when everything seemed distorted and cloudy. When the time comes for me to return the favour, just let me know .

Elem

[Eretik]

Yeahhh you. Well done.Brilliant. You can't change the past,but you can change how it affects you in the present and stop it from hurting your future. Excellent news.Geri.

[Sobek]

excellent news man. keep it going.

[jcrowfoot]

I'm *so* glad you are doing better, Elem. Your posts always have something interesting and meaningful in them.
So, Yay you! And welcome back! Enjoy your rest.

For what it's worth, some of the stuff you were having trouble with sounded like PSTD, actually. I don't know if that fits into your past, but it wouldn't surprise me if it was at all traumatic. And truthfully, it's like a downward spiral until you get yourself calm and come up with another organizing principle to your life to build back up from.

To keep it from coming back, you may wish to find some positive mantra or a mental image that you can bring up if you start to feel things slipping again. This should be something that emphasizes the qualities that you need to fortify within yourself. Unfortunately, mental health is about maintenance, and it's good to think about even when things are going well... so they keep going well.

While I'm aware that you've probably heard this stuff before, I figure a good reminder now and then won't hurt.

Gee sounds like personal experience, eh?