Advice Sought

[dancinhamster]

Hello everyone.

This is a very difficult post for me to make - the reason will become obvious shortly.
I would appreciate any advice!

I have been in a relationship for 17 years. Six years ago things began to go wrong. I have felt neglected, unwanted and unloved for so long, that eventually it became to norm. I fooled myself into believing that I didnt need any warmth, hugs, cuddles, kisses and intimacy. I managed to keep up the charade for many years.
That was until August.
I have a good friend. He is a lot younger, but we have always been on the same wave-length and always got along. We have confided many things to each other. I really trusted him. I confided that my marriage was in difficulty, and he admitted his relationship was also in trouble. I'm ashamed to say we ended up having a very intense passionate affair.
I am not proud of myself BUT for the first time in years I felt wanted, needed and desired.
This week, however, my friend decided to end it. He said we were becoming too close and that we would hurt so many people if we were caught. He said his future lies with his partner.
I am devastated.
I think I fell in love.
And he doesn't want me anymore.
Now I have to face the fact that I did need love and warmth and affection that I've not had from my husband. And I can't see any future. I've tried to talk to him...but nothing has been resolved.
And I cant stop thinking about my friend.

Please please can anyone offer some kind of healing ritual to help steer me forward. I need to be strong and forget my lover. I need to let him go. I also need my husband to understand that I can't go on.
Talking does not work. I need to fix my broken heart.

Sorry this is so miserable (

[Vicki*]

I doubt your husband really understands how unhappy you are. Even if he's listening to you I doubt he's really hearing what you're saying because he's comfortable in the relationship. If he really understood how sad you feel, is there a chance he'd try and put things right?

Is there somewhere you could stay if you were to move out for a while? Maybe you both need some time apart to decide whether the relationship is worth fighting for.

[hedge*]

The first thing you need to do is ask yourself this question.
"Do I still want to be with my husband?"

Only when you've answered that question honestly will you be able to move on.

[Wolf Heart]

Often times I see the same thing happening between my parents. I know they love eachother, but they aren't as affectionate as they used to be, especially since she works days, and he works nights.
A few years ago they split for awhile and it helped things, for a bit. Do you by chance have any kids? The reason your husband might not be getting close could be stress from kids, that's what it usually is with my folks.

I would highly suggest telling him that you can't go on living like that, that you need the affection and if he can't give that to you, or refuses to, then maybe it's time to move on and find someone new.

Blessed Be,
Wolf Heart

[dancinhamster]

Thanks so much for responding.

No - we don't have kids. We tried for years and years, but to no avail. IVF would cost way too much, I couldn't bare the thought of going through all that and not getting pregnant (like a friend of mine who had to sell her house to pay for it - only to loose the baby)

I have tried talking again and again. He doesn't seem to take it on board. When I confronted him last week he broke down in tears. I felt so awful for hurting him so badly. After 17 years I love him very much but that 'spark' has long gone.

I have no where to go. My mother has died, my closest friend has just moved into a house with her new husband and 3 step-children - so no room there. The same goes for my other friends too.

I have tried a banishing ritual to rid myself of my negative feelings. I have tried other rituals to try to re-awaken my love for him. I am trying to banish thoughts of my lover who I know has taken his partner away for the weekend. It hurts.
I just can't see a way out at present.

[Wolf Heart]

I believe the worse pain in the world is hurting someone you love but sometimes you have to bring that pain forth in order to work through it to gain something new. Maybe you and your husband should find some sort of activity or hobby that would bring you closer together, try new things, perhaps that will bring a bit of that spark back.

Blessed Be,
Wolf Heart

[dancinhamster]

Hi again,

Yes - I've tried that.
I love walking and being out-doors.
He hates it. He refuses to try it. He likes sitting in the pub. I hate it.

He is such a lovely person but we just don't gel anymore. He is so upset that I said I would go.
Whatever I do, it will be a hard decision.
If I stay, I cold waste my life living a lie.
If I go, I cause so much hurt and upset.

I really need clarity.
I asked Hecate for courage - and I think she has made this all possible this week.....I just hope she can support again when I need her?

[Revolpathon]

if i stay i could waste my life and live a lie.

isn't that what you are doing now, living a lie?

might be cliche to say this but you might wanna try a nice dinner out of doors, or going to see a movie that you both like.

[[EarthWitch]]

No matter what the circumstances are, it will be painful. If you have tried to talk to him about your feelings, maybe seek counseling...? If there is nothing there, then you must do what you need to do in order to maintain your sanity and get on with your life. Are you absolutely positively sure that that is what you want? Are you absolutely positively sure that things are that bad that you cannot try to mend your relationship. Are you sure that you are seeing clearly, because having a relationship with another person and having those feelings brought to life again can cause ones eyes to cloud up...If you and your husband split, what will you do? Where will you go? Do you think that leaving him may give you a better chance with your friend? Is that friend truly what you want? He wants to end your relationship, so to me that means he is not as serious as you are....there are many questions that you need to seriously look at before you leap...I do not know your entire situation, and I am just throwing out some questions out to you to examine. Only you know what is truly in your heart and what you need out of life. But beware that your mind and heart can often lead you astray if you allow yourself to get caught up in a situation, because it is all "new and exciting". Have you told your husband that he does not turn you on anymore and that you are not getting what you need from your relationship? Is he aware that you are dying inside. Have you been honest and told him? I do not expect any answers to these questions on this board. I am just giving you something to ponder.
Hecate is a gracious and kind Goddess. She is the one I turn to for everything. But she also demands that I look into myself and make sure that I am seeing every situation for what is really is.
Blessings be to you as you go through this ordeal. My thoughts and good energy are with you.

[wiccachicken]

It doesn't sound to me like your husband is really concerned about your well-being or should I say your self-esteem?

The fact that you've tried talking to him and it hasn't worked....and the fact that you went off with another man....for a valid reason I think (I don't condone cheating...but when you fall in love with someone else you can't help it). I agree with the above post....it's going to hurt either way....

How much longer can you take being in a loveless relationship...the harsh reality is (if I were in your shoes)...either your husband changes and starts loving you more or you leave him.
Course if I was in your shoes it obviously isnt as easy as people make it sound. It will be hard either way.

I hope there is a way you can jump start your husband....and I wish you the best of luck and happiness...

Love and hugs

[jcrowfoot]

Be sure that you have nothing left in your relationship.

Also, do NOT assume that your friends can't help you. If you love and respect your friends, you ask for help when you need it. They can say no if they honestly cannot help you.

[dancinhamster]

Thank you all so much.
I was so ashamed to come onto an open forum and ask for help. I am so ashamed that I fell in love with someone else as I have always thought myself to be loyal and trustworthy.
Hecate has made me look inside myself and I believe it was her that made me confront my life.
Having the very brief relationship opened my eyes. I felt wanted and loved. Something I have not felt for so long. And of course, to be rejected again brought it all to the fore.
I've spoken again to my husband and tried to make him understand just how unhappy I've been. He was in tears so I couldn't hurt him anymore by telling him I dont find him attractive.
When you're in love you can see past the bald head, stubbly-face, fat beer-belly - because love IS blind.
And yes - it's awful but I do compare him to my friend who is fit and toned and clean-shaven and smells delicious.
I asked for guidance at my altar last night, and awoke this morning feeling emotionally drained - but a little more focused.
Yes I have been living a lie. It's now up to me to meet my OH halfway. I've given myself a target of 6 months. If I can't fall back in love, or if he doesn't improve...then I'll go.
I also need to let go of my feelings for my friend and let him try to fix his relationship with his partner too.
Phew....tough.
I tell you what. Without the support of my beliefs I'd never get through this.
And once again - I want to thank you for not judging me. I know what I have done is unforgivable...but I will try to make amends.