Traumwandlerin's path

[Traumwandlerin]

Hello to all,

I'd like to invite you on my path, have a look on how I deal and work. I would be really glad if you would comment much, since I really appreciate any comments, help and good words.

My story:
I suffer from severe trauma in childhood, due to emotional, physical and sexual abuse and social isolation over many, many years. This led to PTBS and even DID. Yeah, I went to the therapists, but they just did worse. I'm alone now, what isn't quite true, cause I have my guardians who help me and some of my other parts I have met on my path.

I was divided into 7 souls. Next to me, I found 3 others yet, the 4 year old, the 12 year old and the Empath. They are all part of me but all are a soul for themselve. They aren't reintegrated yet, but I know them and we can talk. I have ideas for the other three, I guess one is 16 years old and the actual dark witch part, then there is the guardian spirit I refer to soul, which I guess is also actually me from the future, and than I guess there is the dark part who embraces everything what happened, think it was totally right and I should do to others what was done to me, since that's how things should work and not being so stupid nice which actually would hurt that part. But I haven't meat it yet (I guess once and it was terrible, I was stunned and afraid).

I will write the trances I had, when I met the others, what we were talking and doing and stuff. And what I will do in the future to find them and reintegrate them in peace to be a whole soul again.

Momentarily I'm kind off path, since I need to stabilize a bit more before I can go any further. Therefore I had to sort out my relationships (done), strengthen my boundaries (not done yet), stabilze myself in job and friendship (work in progress, see social anxiety).

I would appreciate to read from you but be kind, trauma is a really sensible and irrational topic which is not easy understandable for those who hadn't suffered one.

[Traumwandlerin]

First travel:

I was heavily down. Couldn't take all those PTBS, DID, Depression, WTF, anymore. I really need to give my life to someone else. Really I needed a break. And if I don't get a break, I just wanted to be dead. But rather I wanted someone else to live my life until it went better. I'm just so weak, not strong enough for all this shit. I need to zone out, take the backseat and let someone responsible to the front, someone who can live my life while I rest. I rescued so many splinters, let them take the backseats, brang them to the safeplace, but who is gonna safe me!

I zoned out. I went into to the safeplace. To my secret wood. Where she lives. The safeguard, totally responsible, trustworthy, wise, strong, everything I wanted to be. I've known her for years, she is the guardian of the wood. In this wood is a watersource, which provides the love of the world. She has to make sure, that only love will exist in this place, so the world will have love. I call her Soul.

I begged her to take my place. To let me rest at the safeplace and live my life until I can live again. But she said:

I'm just a soul, just a voice, just energy. My body is imprisoned. I cannot enter the real world to take your seat. I can't safe you because first of all, you have to safe me.

She took took me into a boat, I didn't even know there was a sea in this wood. We went into the mist. There was an island and I went blind. There was mist everywhere but I couldn't see either way. She let me to the middle of the island, and there she lay.

Beautiful she was, light was everywhere, she was sleeping. I wanted to touch here, but it was impossible. She was trapped in a crystal. She was improsend as she told. She was only astral projectiing. Her souls was just leaving here body, but she couldn't leave the woods without her body.

She told me, I need to safe her first. But she will provide me with energy. She took me to the source and I bathed in the river of love. I felt it truly. It wouldn't last long, but it would last long enough. Energy was refilled, hope, happiness and love. I would be strong enough to go further.

[Traumwandlerin]

Second Journey:

I just felt that coming. Something inside me was moving. It was twilight, I never could handle twilight. I went to the secret woods to be safe..

My soul was there. She asked me, if I wanted to know, and I said yes. She took me to the hut, I was never inside before, just have sawn it on my way, passing by. There was a fire cooking and a cauldron on the fire. The cauldron was empty. She asked my to put all the pain I feel now into the cauldron and it just poured oit of me. It was thick and heavy and slimy and disgusting and stinky and black. It filled the cauldron completly, tried to touch me, was sticky..

My soul safe me from the touch and burned it until it was clear water. Than I fell into the cauldron. There was dark sand at the bottom. I went further and becoming smaller and younger. When I was about for I was in the sleeping room of my father.

It was about midday, but the curtains were drawn and it was the twilight I always feared. My father tool always a nap at the mid of the day and I was allowed to come to play before he slept. I just knew this, but never thought about this. Everyday for several years I went into that room before he slept, but I never thought about what happened there, I thought we were just playing, as my mother told me, when she told me to go to my father. But know it showed me the truth..

I will spare details, since underages are here too. (and really details aren't improtant). We weren't playing, it was sexual abuse. I was only 4 and it took on several years.

When I came back to normal I was shaking. But besides me was this 4 old me. My soul told me I have to look after her. And I took her several weeks with me. Alway had a plushie with me, drawed and played, she dissociated to the outside, which confused a lot of people. My bf read my children stories and I skipped on the streets.

But she was out, saw some nice things from this world, played a lot and felt a lot of love. After that period I brought her back to Soul, so she could look after her. And told my little child she could always visit me and talk to me if she liked.

[Traumwandlerin]

Third journey:

This happened during meditation. I had a radio stream on, and they played a song with strange vibes and I zoned out.

I was in a room in the cellar. Me at the age of twelve was sitting on a bed, heaviliy crying. I forgot I lived in the cellar for a year or two. After the abuse stopped my father started beating me while he was drunk, and his drunk friends started entering my room and were touching and kissing me. One day I locked my door, but my father just kicked it open..

So I moved into the cellar, cause this was the only room were I could close the door. I couldn't look it though, since this room was next to the room where they were drinking and listening to loud music (music with the same vibe as in the music I accidentally listened to) and they have to go through my room to go to the toilett. But since there was always coming and going I was quite safe.

I talked to me. She was so afraid, so lonely, so sad, talked abut killing herself. She was cold and thirsty and hungry and everything. I gave her a blanket, a warm cocoa and a long hug. I told her everything, how our soul was destroyed, how we are both a part of the same soul and how I came to safe her. She was glad and trusted me.

I took her with me to the wood to show her. Soul took us to the island. The little child was with us. We went to the Body of Soul and wanted to touch here, but we couldn't even reach the crystal. Suddenly in front of Child and Youth were Guardians out of stone who wouldn't let us through. In the mist I saw 4 other Guardians. Soul said, there is one stone guardian for every part of my soul I lost. When I find the other four, I will be granted to enter. They are not mean, they just want to protect me, since I'm not ready when I'm not complete and it would be dangerous.

I went back with my Youth to the cellar. She didn't want to stay in the woods. So I made her room a safeplace. I damaged the toilett so noone would come in to use it, locked the door and cast a spell, so they would forget about this room. I gave her everything she needed and some fun stuff so she won't be bored.

Afterwards I remembered that someday the toilet stopped functioning, no one ever found out why. But I had a rest and was safe.

For the next weeks I took her with me. Showed her the world. She is the one who is social anxious, I never was, but she. And then started the symptoms for me, too. She was never safe at home, everyone was dangerous. At school the same, she had no friends, only people who hurt her, cause she was so different (like anybody who was abused suffers from symptoms). So everyone at school was dangerous and anyone at home was dangerous, she became social anxious because she learned haw everyone would do her harm, no matter what she does. I tried to show her how people today are nice, but that didn't work out. So now I have to deal with social anxiesty. Which is weird, because all those years before I felt totally normal under people, had a lot of friends and really like to go out and stuff.

We did a lot of youth stuff, reading amgazines, listen to music, do beauty things.

Only shortly I was able to bring her to the woods. But that is another journey.

[Traumwandlerin]

Journey 4:

I was meditating about this weird phenomenum that I cath others feelings. This really hurt me, was bringing me into trouble, had a bad effect on my relationship and was overall bad and I just wanted to find a way to stop it.

Then I just went quiet, totally. All thoughts and emotions stopped for a few minutes. And I know there was someone, listening, feeling. Being alone, being sad, in the dark, but directly under my skin.

I understood who she was. She was the Empath. I understood her story. How she was needed. How she wasn't allowed to have feelings on her own, but how it was vital to know the feelings of others. Would they hurt you? Hit you? Say something mean? Or would this be one of those rare nice days? I had to sense the feelings of others to know how I should act to avoid beating and other bad things. Also my mother has a narcistic disorder and wasn't able to respect my borders, she demanded of me to read her feelings or otherwise she would be hurt. I was a nice child, I loved her, I wouldn't want to hurt her. So I learned to ignore my feelings and only sense hers, mirror hers, catch hers.

I guess I was not gifted empathic, but I needed to develop it. But since I had to do it under traumatic circumstances this part of me splitted and became a soul of her own.

Sadly I couldn't take her on my journey so far. I tried, but I catched all those feelings. I (or she?) just doesn't have the boundaries to protect us. It went terribly wrong and caused a lot of trouble. So I had to call my guardians to shield her. Couldn't bring her to the woods, since she wasn't with me yet. So she is trapped under my skin. I do love her and send her energies, but I couldn't do much more at the moment. I first have to learn shielding and protecting to show her the world. This makes me really sad. I know, she just want to be helpful, cause this is just what she learned and actually the only reason she came to existent, she is nice in every aspect of her being. And now I have to trap her

I love you, I really do, I work on a safe place for you. Please know, that I feel you are a really valuable and loveable soul. Please catch this feeling from me.

[Traumwandlerin]

Journey 5:

I had this dream, where I was in the house of my parents and water keeps streaming inside. I thought it was friendly water, it looked not dangerous at all like normally in my dreams. It was clear and the sun reflected on it
But my mother was afraid and made be bring it out, dam the doors and so on.

During meditation I realized that the water actually was friendly water. The water were my emotions and they wanted to clear the house. Gain their territory back. So I got angry, cause my mother tried to hinder me!

I summoned all the water, all my emotions, and I got a strong waterfall or a tsunami and I cleaned every room. It flooded with might in every chamber, took everything with it, every person. It went from the roof to the cellar and the other way round. It left everything in pure white with a fresh wooden floor and the friendly water from my dream on the ground. It took all the thick and dark water outside. Some rooms were hevy on that. Some rooms were stinky but afterwards they smelled fresh, like clean water with a hint of lemon.

Of course, the water reached the chamber were the 12 years old lives. I took her out, let her ride the waves, holding her. She enjoeyed the ride.

I took here into the woods. She now trusted me enough to stay there. I gave her social contacts there, since other parts were there and Soul. Soul said she will teach her how to get in touch with friends and help her finding friendships and remaining them. So she was totally happy, knowing that Soul will not only keeping here promise but will be also a friend who she could tell everything and will always be loved

In the future we will clear the house with the other elements when we regain them. And afterwards we will decorate this place and can make another safe place for all of us, we could live like roommates or like a familiy there 12 year old is already thinking about colors and how cool this will be and everything and wants a room for visitors, so all her new friends can stay over night and could have a lot of partys and stuff ^^ The 4 year old is more concerend where "wolfie" my personal guiding spirit could live (we all have our own guiding spirit, but Soul helps us all). Since he is a wolf and will need a lot of space. But we have a huge garden there with even a part of forest. He will be happy all along

[Traumwandlerin]

Journey 6:

The last days I was getting to know much new technics. I went from sigils to automatic drawing and further to a lot of intuitively doing random stuff. I didn't know I was going fast but I definitly were. Today I was really tired, not because of all the exhausting magic but because my daughter thought it wuld be a nice idea to keep me awake all night (I guess she catched some cold and was just sad about it, coughing, blocked nose, thise things that keeps you awake). But I didn't felt like sleeping, instead I lay myself down and said "I'll trance away know, anywhere you like. When you think it's more important for me to sleep, I know, I'll just drift away to dreamland. Nevertheless I would be glad if you would send me some symbols in there"

And there I went

My guiding spirit, the wolf, walked me to a tree. We looked at its purple bark and the violett leaves while the gras on the ground turned into purple sand. While realizing this the tree vanished and I was in some kind of desert, even though it didn't feel like desert, felt more like the see. So maybe I was at the sea, but all the water was gone. The sand was purple, the sky was dark blue with hints of violett. A pale and huge full moon was showing. The wolf explained to me,where I was and how to reach this place.

I travelled here for the first time. It's a new world. Don't know how many worlds there are. I've known so far only the forest of love, a total safe environment where no harm could exist and everything is loving. This place wasn't dangerous but it wasn't safe either. This place was magical and creative.

The wolf told me, this is the place to do magic. I can create and destroy everything. I did. It was easy. Creating a fire snake, changed her color. Created a tree, changed his color. Drawn a circle of protecting energy. Summoned the winds to play with the sand. Drew something on the ground and it became real. I truly could create, change and destroy everything in here.

I created a figure of my bf. Sent him some positive energy cause he has some hard times at the moment. I knew where he needed something.

I could have played all day long, but I've learnt enough about this place, everything I need to know, so then I just went to sleep. When I woke up I felt totally refreshed




In the future I can always and will always go to this place to cast magic. It was inspiring and perfect had it's own energy, was vibrating with energy. I could feel the change and the possibilities in the air. It was just awesome.

[Traumwandlerin]

Today I travelled again to this new sphere I've came to know. Just getting a bit familiar with it, doing some meditation and imagination there. It's really just a place where every thought comes true.

But suddenly the sky brke up and giant robot came through. My spirit guide was instantly by my side. He had told me earlier that this not the as safe as the woods but it's still not dangerous at all. And sohe told me, that this is no dangerous creature.

But he was so huge and mighty. He had a huge hammer and repeatly rammed it on the sand and the earth vibrated. We talked, he wasn't much of a talker though. But my empath came out, she liked him, touched him, stroked him and we realized that he was indeed a man (or something like this) and not a robot at all. While getting closer to each other he told us he's a smith but surely never swords. He never fights. He just hammers stuff down.

As we got closer he told me he was into shielding and will provide us with a shield. Only then I realized that he was actually a giant with a big metal armour. He will get me a fine one. But more talking and he said, that the right metal will be a very thin silver. And He will add some silk, so it will be more like silk with silver woven in it. I doubted his skills for such fine work, but actually a closer look at his armour showed a lot of love in detail and even though he has so bug hands they were actually skilled for such a small and delicate work.

He told me he is a "Greis" but I think this only refers to him as "old and wise" and not as common would think. Because he looked quite young.

So anyways, I'm quite astonished by him, I really liked him, we were connecting on some level and he will provide us with just the right shield we need.

[MissCharmed7]

Today I travelled again to this new sphere I've came to know. Just getting a bit familiar with it, doing some meditation and imagination there. It's really just a place where every thought comes true.

But suddenly the sky brke up and giant robot came through. My spirit guide was instantly by my side. He had told me earlier that this not the as safe as the woods but it's still not dangerous at all. And sohe told me, that this is no dangerous creature.

But he was so huge and mighty. He had a huge hammer and repeatly rammed it on the sand and the earth vibrated. We talked, he wasn't much of a talker though. But my empath came out, she liked him, touched him, stroked him and we realized that he was indeed a man (or something like this) and not a robot at all. While getting closer to each other he told us he's a smith but surely never swords. He never fights. He just hammers stuff down.

As we got closer he told me he was into shielding and will provide us with a shield. Only then I realized that he was actually a giant with a big metal armour. He will get me a fine one. But more talking and he said, that the right metal will be a very thin silver. And He will add some silk, so it will be more like silk with silver woven in it. I doubted his skills for such fine work, but actually a closer look at his armour showed a lot of love in detail and even though he has so bug hands they were actually skilled for such a small and delicate work.

He told me he is a "Greis" but I think this only refers to him as "old and wise" and not as common would think. Because he looked quite young.

So anyways, I'm quite astonished by him, I really liked him, we were connecting on some level and he will provide us with just the right shield we need.

wow is all i can say . i read your journey and i have to say your strong spirit to go through all these experiences .

[Traumwandlerin]

Thanks, the first ones were those which just came unwanted There were actually a lot more, but I only write down those important ones. There were a lot, were I just got some energy from the source or where talking to some of my inner party I've rescued to get to know them better. Relating to my guiding spirits or getting to know the environment better. At the moment I mostly travel to this new magical sphere. It's perfect for meditation and magical practice, it's the sphere of creation and I was quite surprised when the Greis came ^^

And after I've read about your unwanted traveling I felt a connection. Those things can be really tough and it's always something really important. So happy I have it under control now

[blackwavy]

You were divided into 7 souls?
I don't get that.
Your soul is your own and they have their own too.

[Traumwandlerin]

Look up Dissociative identity disorder, it's actually a mental illness resulting from severe childhood trauma. But it's also a shamanic belief. Parts of your soul will leave you and you have to regain them to be a whole person again. Nevertheless I'm in therapy (every few months) but I rather regain my soul parts on my own with journeying. At least my therapist understands my way there.

[Traumwandlerin]

I found a new one

And it was my shadow oO I would have believed this would turn out nasty, but it wasn't nasty at all. All the last days were pointing in this direction. And actually a few days ago I had a severe abreaction when I was confronted the first time with my shadow.

Today I found her, talked to her. Just like the Empath, the Shadow is more of a function than a whole person. She was dissociated to get one ablity that was needed really hard over a long-term traumatizing situation. But she doesn't suffer, like the Empath doesn't suffer, both live cause this is what they need to be, what they are and they are both really strong in this cause.

Of course, she is Shadow, and I consider her as wrong, bad and al kind od stuff. I talked to her, reasoned with her, let her explain why she acts the way she does. She is really stubborn but I guess we have a connection now, can talk about things. But discussing with her will be a lot harder than with the Empath. The Epath will always give in, cause she feels what I feel. With Shadow it's different. But I already like her. She's childish, has a strong will, a lot of anger and zero respect or feelings for others. She is heavy on the material side, don't know feelings, and will ensure we will get what she thinks we should have.

*sighs*

Not the most interesting journey perhaps, but high on the emotional side. There was no need for symbolics. This was plain, just like Shadow is plain.

[Traumwandlerin]

Today I traveled again.

I didn't fell well with having Shadow since she is really kind of destructive, I knew she only meant well, but she is dealing serious harm to my life. I wanted to meet her in the woods to talk with her again. But I wasn't seeing anywhere where this should go, since she wont just change anyway. Since she is there for a reason.

But instead of meeting her, I met everyone who was living in the woods at the moment, all my soulparts i regained and also the 16-year old witch I haven't met so far, but knew she was there. I didn't realize how crowded it was getting in here Everyone wanted to change shadow. And Shadow was standing there alone, we as a group an she on her own. I felt pity for her.

I called upon Soul to help her. To integrate her and to take her for her best, not to leave her lonely and outcasted. Then she tool Shadow to the Source and threw her in. Everyone jumped after her. The love overwhelmed us. We were all cleaning Shadow. She was totally black but we rubbed it all of until she was blinding white.

She was changed, transformed and dizzy, when she came out. But we felt connected. She was naked, I gave her the shield of Empath (the silk with silver woven into) and the shield of the Witch (a shaman shield, don't know what it's for). Both weren't to happy, cause they really need those things. But "Shadow" didn't wanted it anywhere, it wouldn't fit her.

Soul took her by her side. Told her, she was no longer a shadow but her true self "Krieger des Lichts" (kind of a warrior of the light but with a very special meaning to me). She was Krieger

Soul told here, she was cleansed and now can truly fullfill her meaning. But she need to be taught first. And Soul will do it herself. It will be a very special training. But afterwards, she will be a warrior and a protector for us. Her abilities will be best used and she will be happy to do the best for us.

I shall visit her regulary to see her progress and stay in touch. We were hugging with actual tears of love.




But as Shadow was drawn into the light, Witch grew darker. She is very closed and will not be easy to befriend. I wonder were she was hurt. I can't remember anything tragic at the age 16, nothing that hand't already happened earlier. But she won't open yet. She only talks to me via her interest in witchcraft. She is very strong with great influence in my life, since I consider myself as a witch, connected to magic, but I know, it's actually Witch and not me, the Host or one of the others. Krieger is also strongly connected to Witch. I know Witch named her and gave her the background. That's probably why Witch was not very happy to see all this happen. Now she has to share with us. And probably that was why she was there today, even though I've never seen or heard her before.

[SpiritMuse]

Thank you for sharing your deepest personal experiences. I find your blog fascinating. Best of luck in your integration process. xxxx