Hello tinkerboo. First of all I'd like to say congratulations on leaving a toxic situation. Having been in a similar situation myself, I know that leaving and its aftermath can be difficult. Let's start by tackling the mundane issues first, then we'll move on to the magickal ones.
Have you been to a psychiatrist? If you need help getting started, there are some pointers
here. I think that by getting help and getting your life in order, you might see that some of the magick that you thought you needed isn't really necessary at all. Magick is meant as a supplement to the mundane side of life. Without the mundane legwork, magick isn't going to take hold. Think of it as trying to hang something on a wall without using a nail, screw, hook, etc.. to actually hold it up.
Why not try out a support group? You'll be able to meet others with similar experiences. You'll not only have people to commiserate with, you may make friends in the process. Look for groups in a phone directory, online, or see if they're listed in your local newspaper. If you're seeing a psychiatrist, they might be able to recommend a group to you, or provide the resources to find a group.
Have you visited our
Mental Health board yet? You can read posts by members with similar experiences. If you feel up to it, you can start your own thread there with details of your own experience. I do have to warn that some of the subjects can trigger trauma, so please beware. We've got many topics here, mundane and magickal alike, so jump in wherever you like.
Before performing magick to change the world around you, you need to work within yourself. Changing your perspective can sometimes be all you need. You might want to try working on mentally letting go of the past. It's hard to enjoy where you are if you're focused on where you've been. If you have any object left that reminds you of your ex, get rid of it. Maybe you could treat thinking of your ex as a bad habit that you're trying to rid yourself of. Try wearing a rubber band around your wrist. When you think of your ex, stop, snap the band, and think of something else. You'll find that you'd much rather think of pleasant thoughts than feel the sting of the rubber band. Don't just punish yourself, reward your self too. Every step you take to distance yourself from the past is a victory.
Resolve to love yourself. I'm generalizing here, but low self-esteem and low self-worth can sometimes be a result of a traumatic situation. Build up your relationship with yourself and your confidence will shine through. Work on being positive too. When you're confident, others will take notice.
You don't need money to help others. Material and monetary gifts aren't necessary. You are often the greatest gift you can give. Volunteer to help clean a park or stretch of highway. Read to other people. Tutor children. Walk, feed, or wash shelter animals. Run errands for the elderly. Help a friend organize a rummage sale. Helping others will make you feel good and keep your mind off of any upsetting topic. Who knows, you might also make new friends along the way.
Not every spell is going to work. Sometimes success and failure depends on the experience of the spell caster, the universe knowing we don't really need what we're asking for, how much will was applied to the spell, or any number of things. Magick will work however the universe sees fit, usually by taking the path of least resistance. Don't take a failed spell or ritual personally. We're not always meant to have what we ask for. There's also the potential to get something similar instead. Just because you ask for rainbow shoes, doesn't mean the universe won't give you turquoise shoes instead. (Personal experience
)
Use both your successful and your unsuccessful spells and use them to grow as a spell caster. Take notes on what works and what doesn't. Apply that knowledge to future spells. Magick is full of trial and error. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
The Reasons Why Spells Don't Work
You don't need tools at all to cast spells. Tools are props to help us focus our intent. Here's an example of magick without any tools: bow your head, close your eyes, talk to the gods. Boom! Prayer = magick. Tools can help as much as they can hinder. I'm sure there are plenty of us who can think of how much time we've wasted trying to find lighters or matches for lighting candles and incense. Or perhaps we've been stopped mid-trance because the battery in the tape recorder died. Here are a list of threads you might want to read:
What if I Don't Have an Ingredient or Tool that I Need?
Where Can I Buy Supplies?
Witchcraft on a Budget: an Introduction
Suggestions for Low Budget Witchcraft
Intro to Candle Magic on a Budget, by Echo
Black candles can be a little trickier to find than other colors. We've got advice for that too.
i can't seem to find a black candle anywhere
does anyone know where to buy colored candles?
Candle making?
I wish you good luck and bright blessings tinkerboo.