A long rant..

[Gahtren]

Well I know the title sucks but bear with me.. anyway, I am just feeling irritated right now because I have that sudden feeling to express my thoughts ever since I joined here.

Now to go with what I am actually wanting to express, I have been over my head in categories ever since I have been introduced to paganism, basically about Tiamat, psi-energy, etc. If you want to know what I mean, I just feel like I screwed up, what I did over a couple of weeks ago (or a week), that.. I did a ritual in order to contact Tiamat, and now I am still thinking over it about why I did it? Maybe I was just in way over my head, and I hardly even know about magic! Ugh! Is this something I should really make a huge deal about? A few weeks into paganism and now I already feel like I sort of messed up at that part.

Another problem I seem to have is with psi-energy. I read about it and I tried doing the simple basic step, but then sadly I just couldnt do it, I know I am complaining over a problem I should practice about, Wolf said it felt like an adrenaline rush of extra energy, but I dont know I never did. Either I am doing something wrong or I am not feeling that confident of myself.

I feel so incredibly stupid after feeling like I was taking the easy way out.. I guess I cant get it through my thick skull that I know I have do it the original way I guess you can put it that way. *sigh* Yeah I seem to either beat myself up pretty hard or I am making a good point with myself. And this is all I have to say..

Gahtren.

[Colubra]

It sounds to me like you are thinking too much...which I know since I do it all the time. If you overanalyze all the magick you do, it gets all jumbly, seems "wrong" or sometimes even "crazy", and it leads to a lot of frustration.

You are right that with psi energy you do need to practice. Unfortunately, that can take a lot of patience. I dislike patience myself, but I've learned that sometimes it's neccessary. If you try to stop thinking about what you are doing too much and just feel and sense, it may be able to help you, which is easier said than done. Perhaps before you try psi work you should do a calming/relaxation ritual or technique to put you in a mindframe receptive to energy. That doesn't mean don't focus, but don't second guess yourself right away or continue to ask yourself if it's working. Let it work instead of asking if it will work. After a while, it will become easier to simply do it without as much preperation.

About contacting Tiamat...why are you saying that you may be in over your head? Like, did something specific happen to make you think that way or think you are going about things wrong? Were you able to get in contact with her?

[Gahtren]

No.. I was not able to get into contact with her.. right now I am facing a difficult decision after a chat with wolf.. I hardly research any of this up.. I dont know what to do basically. My choice is up to me, and I might get suspended for this for being off topic but now I am having a decision of qutting paganism or not. What a awful night this is.. but then moaning about it just wont help.

[Sobek]

"No.. I was not able to get into contact with her.."

well when it comes to matters like these, you can expect a fully corporeal being to materialise in your bedroom. you get what you get even if it is just something small.

"now I am having a decision of qutting paganism or not"

its not something that can just be quit and taken up at will. but it doesnt so much sound like you can handle it. ever heard the saying "Too much too soon" ponder that a little while, give your head time to calm down and dont deny yourself the ability to think.

But like you said you are totally inexperienced, and really, summoning or whatever you decide to call it is not something for beginners.

[Wolf*]

In his defense, he wasn't trying to summon, it was a very basic ritual asking Tiamat to contact him in some way shape or form.

[Sobek]

that still a pretty fine line.

but perception is half the game, is it possible you werent taking notice or looking for the wrong thing?

[Gahtren]

Thats a good question.. it could be both, but I have no idea, it's a fatal mistake that caused my mind to be in the way it is now.. except to be completely honest I just dont know what to think about this.

[Sobek]

would you be willing to go into a little more detail as to what happened with the ritual.

[Gahtren]

Yes I would.. well if I can actually get it right and explain the right details to you.. basically I just setted it up after some helpful information from Wolf, though I felt like I messed up with the ciricle, I lit the candle and the incense before setting the circle, I then said the basic sayings of the Ritual like asking for Tiamat to have an audience with her, I then thanked her for listening, and then ended the ritual. I offered her another incense after I put the other one I had lit out, and then lit another one for Tiamat. I know it's a lack but that is what I can remember from what.

[Sobek]

i was actually more interested in your mental state during the ritual.

[Gahtren]

Sorry then. Well my mental state was fine, I guess you can say that. For some reason I did feel like a moron but that has nothing to do with my mental state. I think it didnt have much affect on me during the ritual, but then it was fast.

[Sobek]

it sounds like your a little resistant. like your scared to take that first step.

[Gahtren]

You have a point.. I was resistant because I ended up being worried and then I was always a bit.. nervous to try something I have never tried in my life.

[Sobek]

take it slow. you'll be able to communicate when your ready for it.

[Eretik]

I recommend a lot more experience and understanding of the nature of Magick,ritual and belief first. You attempted something most orthodox mages would run a mile from,most of the time.Bravery is good though, I advise preparation,preparation and more preparation,oh and some preparation would be handy too.lol. I fast and bathe ritually prior to any major workings,did you?I t is better for nerves among other things also,eating afterwards helps ground you also.Tiamat,like Hecate is not one who is known for approaching and communing with the fearful,in ritual.If you get scared you are not ready,this type of ritual must be performed in egocentric confidence,absolute confidence that you are both worthy and capable of 'handling' such a powerful force. Respect and trust,faith and humility, it is ,in my eyes, a major working.Even just 'an audience with' she may well be watching over you with interest,though. Read,learn and grow,practice and work on your beliefs,path and skills first. Tiamat will wait till you are ready,will you?Take the time to aquaint yourself with her,find out all you can about her,that would be a good start.Not giving up because something didn't work,would be good too. It's ok to have doubts or worry,we all do sometimes .If we all started experts none of us would be here talking to each other. Patience wins the race,in this instance. You will grow in this and Tiamat will grow in you,if you let her in, but get to understand and know yourself first,then you'll be ready. The only way to succeed is to take the time to learn well.