Need Some Advice!!!

[Wolf Heart]

Okay as many of you know I have turned to the boards many times for advice on situations I have in my life. I think it only right to take advice from whoever you can, go over it along with your own ideas and then apply them the way you see fit.
So, with that in mind I shall continue on to my little problem here.

Friday I had to drive down into Missouri to pick up a friend who was in a bad relationship and all that good crap. I hadn't spoken to her in about 6 months because I was very angry with her and her boyfriend. He ended up contacting about 2 weeks ago telling me that she needed her bestfriend back. So of course I contacted her and started talking again.
So she turned to me when things got bad. However this is the third time she has "left" him. He has been a bit of an asshole about it all but I just got off teh phone with him trying to get him to stop txting me so much.

He ended up apologizing and talking to me about how he just missed her and knew things went to far and that he wished he'd have done so much differently. Now it's very likely he could be lying, or is simply bi-polar.

Now to my main concern. As much as I love this girl, she's like a sister to me, I can't afford to have her stay with me. She's very reluctant to get a job and on top of that I'm living in a 4 bedroom college apartment with three other girls! So not only are 5 girls living together but I have to share my already tiny room with my bestfriend. It's only been a few days and I'm already extremely annoyed with her.

My parents keep telling me I need to get her to go stay with someone else, however most of her family wants nothing to do with her, but I simply cannot afford to take care of her financially and emotionally. I love her so much, but I can't do it. I feel so terrible!

What do you guys think I should do? Any advice or tips?

Blessed Be,
Wolf Heart

[The Mystic Pilgrim]

I think it's very admirable that you have a forgiving and helping nature, but at the end of the day you have to watch out for yourself. If something isn't right or healthy for you, then you have to change it. Remember what Shakespear said, "To Thine Own Self Be True"

[oracle's child]

what a wonderful friend you are! unfortunately i think in this case you are enabling her. did you know she wouldn't be keen on looking for work? what were her plans once she moved in with you? if her situation included domestic violence then i would suggest helping her find a shelter. they have many resources that can be of help. if you suspect she may go back, she should be put on notice that your place will no longer be available to her.
one more thing-
when you agreed to come get her, did you think ahead about the living situation, expenses, your roomates thoughts on an extra person in the house, etc.? i think these things should have been considered beforehand and sometimes toughlove is called for. i hope you two will be able to stay friends no matter what happens.

[AkanaAnash]

Hi Wolf,

I think you're making it harder than it is...as a real friend, you can
ask around for some people close that have a small room someone
could exchange for housework or something...

as a friend, you would be remiss if you didn't help her find her own place...you're not throwing anyone anywhere, you're simply using adult logic...like, the room can't possibly support to two people.

as a friend, you're not only supporting her getting her own life, but also looking out for your relationship with her...

Thet

[hedge*]

Wolf you are a true friend and a true friend realises when they need to be a bit tough for the sake of their friendships.
If she's not prepared to help herself by getting a job at least then she's just taking the P.
You need to explain to your friend that you can not support her financially and that the living arrangements are not acceptable for anyone (including your other house mates).

Why is she reluctant to get a job?
Lack of confidence? Laziness? Frightened?
Maybe if you understood that better you would be able to help her more.

[Wolf Heart]

Thank you all for your wonderful advice, I greatly appreciate it. I spoke to her about it a little after discussing it with some family members. I personally don't know anyone that can take her in, most of the people I know are very poor and hardly getting by as it is.

She has told me that her Dad would take her in but that she just doesn't want to live with him and so she'll just go back to her b/f since I won't take her. This really hurts me. I feel terrible for putting her in a situation like this. She won't do a women's shelter and I think I may know why.

I think this may have been her plan all along. I went and got her one time before when they first started dating. She was "scared", or so she says, and wanted me to take her away from him. So I went and got her. Two days later she was begging me to take her back and ended up running right back to him. I know of at least 2 times that she's done the same thing to other people during this relationship with this guy.

My mother has told me that a woman will always go back to a man, no matter what they do to the woman, until she can truely make the choice to stand up and leave. She says that some women are just incapable of functioning without a man in their life.

I cannot comprehend this. I have always been a family type person and know that I could not live without them by my side, but to always have to have a man at my side? Pfft. I don't want to sound cold-hearted but I like to think I'm stronger than that.

Bah, now I'm rambling. This situation is very hard on me. I want to be a good friend but there is only so much I can do. I read through my lease and it says I can only have 5 stay overs a month. It's a college apartment so it's connected to the school so has stricter rules. If she were to get caught here we could all be evicted!

Okay I shall stop here. I had better get ready for class. Thanks you guys, much love!

Blessed Be,
Wolf Heart

[hedge*]

If this man is violent and abusive whether physically or mentally then your friend needs to get out of there for good.
A lot of people in violent abusive relationships stick with it because they are of the mindset that ANY attention is better than none. I have a friend like this and it is very frustrating. I've talked and talked to them 'til I'm blue in the face but it doesn't seem to do any apparent good - apart from alienating her from me (she see's me as the baddie).

You do all you can but ultimately at the end of the day these choices are hers and hers alone. Let her know that there are people and alternatives out there willing to help and change her situation.