Becoming pregnant, at least that was life-giving. At my age, it was now or never, so I chose to keep her even though the CEO fired me two days after he heard the news from his gossipy do-nothing nephew. Okay, we winged it. I qualified for Florida Medicaids Momcare Program at that point. I also decided to take it as a career change opportunity, so I studied online for my pharmacy technician certification and I passed that exam last year with flying colors.
But months earlier, just about six weeks after my baby was born, my husband was diagnosed with colon cancer. The surgery and chemotherapy afterwards was hard, but at least he was still employed and had health insurance. We maxed out on the out-of-pocket expenses which was heavy, but we winged it.
Then we got the property tax bill. I thought I researched everything when we bought the house, but nobody explained a few things to us. The old widow's tax was noticeably less than what we now had to pay once it was reset. It was over three times what she had to pay. Another major side-swipe.
My husband's medical condition caused him to have his hours cut after a few months. By the time he got all better a year later, the housing market went south and he was laid off.
Between the housing market and the gas prices, now neither one of us can find a job. We cannot even try to sell the house and I fear becoming another foreclosure statistic. We put the house up for sale. Then Fay came through. I felt a bit lucky as Fay went around us, but the storms still hurt the roof enough and it is leaking in five different areas in the house. Not good timing to try to sell a house.
Every time I think we are lucky and I try to be good about it, I get slapped with even worse. No matter what I do, life is the Blue Meanie and it has to hit me even if I smile at a flower struggling to grow from the earth.
Someone very mean and petty must hate me very much. My thoughts, I will be honest.... I have an accidental death policy. I've given serious thought to making the maximum cash withdrawals that I can from my credit cards that are under my name and putting the money in the joint bank account I share with my husband. Then dying in an accidental death so he and my baby will have the resources to weather this economic storm that just will not go away.
I know others have been hurt worse. Sometimes I wish something more obvious, blatant, and quick happened to me. People cannot see where it hurts. Life has been an abusive spouse that knows how to hit hard, but without leaving marks and bruises. The Titanic is sinking. I used to be happy, but now I want to die in an accident. I feel there is no healing for me, no hope anymore.
There is a black moon coming on Saturday night. Is it the end, or is there more and even worse things ahead? I do not know.
I never deliberately caused trouble for anyone and tried to just mind my own business. But I have had enemies in the past, mean people who are so miserable that they are only happy when they destroy others. Sometimes I think their negative thoughts against me are working now. One person blatantly said to my face, "How dare you have a happy life in front of us while our lives are falling apart." I thought she was kidding around, but now I think she meant business. She was one of the "dirty girls" in the office that helped get me fired. While it caught up with her, she was fired only months later, the damages over the long haul continue like a snowball downhill.
I have no more protection, no more hope, I feel beyond healing. I feel bad for bringing misery here, but I just do not know what to do anymore. I am sure I have been cursed. I agreed with 's warnings not to believe it. But I believe now. It will only stop when I am destroyed completely.
If he were a house for sale, he'd be a handyman special. I saw one advertised like that years ago with the quote "Has a lot of character, needs a lot of love." My husband is sucking a lot of love out me. 
I try to fix him but at great expense to myself.
